Breakthrough. Beauty in the breakdown

I am 32. let that sink in. 
Learn to be like the lotus, to grow where we are planted.
Exposure therapy, do things that scares you.
what are your goals?
what makes you scared.
what's the hinderances.
what's stopping you from feeling.. ok?

I could clearly say people's expectations/thoughts/image of how I should be.
but these are things I cannot control that changes.
someone asked me "do you think you have a personal relationship with God?" and that struck me.
do I? can I say I do? who do I want to please? what is pleasing to God? I would like to be someone who is after the heart of God. but at the same time give myself the grace to not have to reach the exacting standards. to know that I'm allowed to fail. allowed to feel sad, feel imperfect. be human.

I would like to remind myself to dip my toes in the sand more. to pause and feel the breeze. to breathe. 
to notice the greens. to not wait for life to be perfect to be happy...

I've recently told someone I find it to find things to be thankful for. and I feel hypocritical if I attempt to list 3 things. I am upset that in this journey, some people barely have to try, some are just born to be fruitful. then there are those who strategise/read/pray and... it comes back nil.

I wish I don't put such a label on myself or read horror stories of others and feel the same. I recently learnt there's a distinction between information, knowledge and wisdom. I pray for more wise counselling in my life. more who will help me see that I could say "I was blind but now I see"....

If I believe in God I believe all the goodness and promises that comes with His name. of course I acknowledge God's not some dispenser machine I go to and I conveniently get what I want. but at least I could REST in the knowledge that (1) he knows my heart's desires (2) things will be made beautiful in its time. I'm not sure when "its time" is....... but help me trust you with what I cannot control.

I pray I don't blindly live life. that I set small goals for myself and build up confidence in my self so my inner voice becomes happy with myself and not filled with self criticism all the time. that's... my goal.

so Dear God. be with me. I know and I'm clear of my weakness. how strong my FOMO is. I think of 10000 scenarios and maybe that's really disrupting my peace. I pray for wisdom to let go and let you. time is precious let me not waste it strategising and not living. 

I pray lord to rest in you. laugh more. be the happiest I've been. find peace like I never had. and trust you for the END. Thank you for being my faithful Father in heaven. Thank you for being so loud/real/true in my life. Thank you that I know you early and know you in this life.

help me find beauty in the breakdown. that we will come clean. Please Lord have your hands and eyes in this journey. and help me have my faith in you.