Angel Duties.

So I know I have many flaws. But you shouting at me only makes me feel worst about myself each time. If u peeked into my mind, you would see that I am my worst critic. I am doing what I can to be nicer to myself.  Can you understand? Wouldn’t you help me love myself a bit more. 

Then again. Don’t really know if that’s best for me. 

Street

Hey. I am back. Not sure if it is because I want to. But I need to. I have so much in me, just needing to pour out. weekends are a drag. maybe because I have no company. And humans are social creatures, from what I understand. So, we need people.

I have so much so much to say. Where do I start?

Never thought I feel trapped. feel like the only way out is....
sometimes this life seems too short. and sometimes it seems too long.
we are all just looking to get by. I wish...
I feel fulfilled in all aspects of my life.

I miss childhood, miss teenage life, at least.... they were free-er. 
I am tired of putting up a facade of my life. I a tired of showing that I am just as smart. 
I wish being me, is ok. but..... we all put my facades. don't we.

this is not working. How do I get out of this depressed mood?
I am miserable at best. 
I ask myself why I am constantly chasing. I am tired. What am I chasing? I am miserable.
Is anybody there to catch me?

I am.. drowning. Depression clearly don't have a look. How do I get myself of this?
rut. Where do I begin. Should I evaluate friendships made. After evaluation, is there any left for keeping?  

I have been thinking bout what makes me happy.
I thought of a few.

Concerts?
Theme parks?
Nature?

social media is toxic. Why do we impose the highlights of our life on people?
to make them miserable. selfish beings. tapping on others/ their validation to get by.

How many, truly cares for me in this world? Could I open my eyes to see? I don't wna impose on others.

Bowling?
Sports?

Phases of life.

I would like to move on. Help me. 

only with enriching. 
take this load, lord. It is too much to bear.
Pls?

It's time to rest. not to slip away.
I do my best to be myself, and not impersonate. 
so tired of running.

everything is so imperfect. it pains me.
Isn't God's love perfect? then why then do I..... 

life is not a sprint. it is a marathon. 
sustainability is important. 
shooting star that should not be. burn bright and furious and..
Don't go off. just yet. stay there. continue. 

find something to look forward to.
I would like something genuine. 
I am looking at friendships and relationships that breathes life.

help me. help me. send help. no self-help.

Don't slip away, Kris.

Boulevard.

I wish. I was a better person.
Smart. Effortlessly good. Superhuman.
But then again. What is my goal in life?
Is it my career? Or do I just want to take the time now to love my family, cherish my friends, enjoy the moments in life.
Seems like the case. I have chased. Chased the past 10 years. Maybe. I could taste and smell what I have sowed for so far.
Teach me to be kind. Teach me. Fill me. I miss being in the house of God. But how do u love one and blatantly not follow the other?
I wish I speak better. I wish I dared to communicate clearly. I speak in figures of speech and abstract. Because I do not dare to show how my heart really feels. Is it because it is not pretty?
I have been through so much. Let’s take stock.

From being back with Mr C. Spending our times on the books, jogging, movies, holidays.
Getting the letter from NUS that I got in. That moment when I received the notification... it was.
Should be one of the highlights in my life.
Went through my university years, figuring our group work, exchange, modules, tutorials.
Got my internships.
Ended up at HDB now.

Everybody have set the bar so high. How should I continue?
Then again. It’s 1.5 months vs years. Am doing ok.

Took stock. Now back at it. In the realll world.

Beauty in the breakdown.

Day 1. of facing this.

So. I think I have OCD. I am obsessed with numbers, and if the number is not what is ok for me, I do what I can to hit it. I cannot tolerate stepping on black dots on walking pavements. In Singapore, the footpath is not the most maintained, so clearly. I have issues even getting myself to the train station.

However. I am done with school now. So, I have time for me-time, some time where I be by myself and figure it out. I get that this is triggered only when I demand something of myself. So in a way, it is self-inflicted. I wish...I let myself know, I do not have to please everybody. 

Even if I know I am in a dark place right now, I would like to remind myself that this is something that can be overcame. I wish for times where I can just fully live and experience life and not deal with this. I miss..doing the simple things so casually. Will I ever get out of this? Will this stop.


So many people before me has experienced this. it is not just me. So.. Pay attention, figure it out, break the cycle. ok?


May writing it out help. I do what I can... This is a call out.


She fooled, all of her friends into thinking she's so strong
But she still sleeps with the light on
And she acts like it's alright on, as she smiles again

I reach out to you
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out. I'm asking you, to show me what this life is all about. 

Hey.

Chapter 27.

Truffle and I.

Alot has happened.

Lived in China. Did not think I would have done that, Did not think I would go back. Hasn't been the most pleasant experience. Think I came back with weird idiosyncrasies cause of the coping mechanisms that came up back there.

Wish I could live freely again. Without all these. Would I ever. break from all these that binds me?

Anyway.

Found a job. a Full-time job. Did not think it possible. that I would/could get a full-time job. Thankful to get it early. So that I do not have to deal with it now.

The only thing now is thesis.

Can I, dig deep.and stay focused.

I should.

Ok. Speak again.

breathe. take that. moment. then. bowl. for soup. line.

I wish I see beyond what ensnares me to appreciate this.
I wish I felt that tinge more b.ea.ut.iful again.
I wish i didn't become how I am. In pretty deep. How do I get out? Is there a way out of this?

I have no thoughts. no passion. no interest. What is in the craft that I like?
The stage in my life is almost past. I am but 24. But... does it make sense that I feel...like.. I have ran too much too hard through this. What next.

remind me what it means to live (free).
remind me what it means to show my soul and see how the interplay with others helps it bloom.
remind me what it means to not be on this island by myself. remind me what it means to be a friend, colleague, professional, student, daughter, girlfriend, sister.


give me a job. an interest. a prospect of what could be. Stay bright. Shine.

heal me.

as long we live, time passes by.