Checks.

remember his moment of sarcasm. that he's not perfect. that he isnt working on himself. he does what he like. and only does whats convenient (pay, somebody else helping, things to his hand). I acknowledge that when ppl are not comfortable, their personality will not be as lovable there would be a complete shift. would that be a true measure of someone then?

Just wna have a balance view of all this. the value of life. and how I should not spend the bulk of it in misery/grief for someone who is... not perfect. who has been there. loved me. cared for me. but eventually human. stubborn, etc.

save me.

having a hard time. happy. sad.
can't wait for it to end. don't wna it to start. hence, can only enjoy this process. what is the purpose of life?reflective. more so than ever. thankful for precious moments, moments where I know God is indeed talking to me. 

Afraid of the time to come. but, if we can accept it sooner than maybe we be in a better state.  such a balancing act.

Thankful this gives us to love more, be a little more honest, be a little more kind. 

thoughts

my Dad's a big baby. or maybe he just like being cared for. allows us to care for him. does what he can. cause this. this is for his life.

need to rmbr my mom's aging, she's most lovely and need to cherish love her too.

They're both pretty good looking (if I could say so). in a way that theres that genuine-ness/sparkle radiating. love it love them. 

Perspective balance

Probably this may not mean a thing. But

I think I owe it to myself to record the moments when my Dad gets angry, unreasonable angry. the times when he has no self-control and does the thing he likes at everybody's else expense. the times when my sleep isnt deep enough, the stress I have to go through mentally physically. that the family mom/bro and helper have to. the trips I did not get to go. the low/no liefness I feel/holidays skipped. feeling like his slave, that our lives revolves around him.

this is also to remember any resentment I feel. resentment that life has to come to a standstill, I cannot live as carefree because of the fear. because he chose to be irresponsible and chose the easy ways out (think steroid injection, etc etc.) sure it may not be the easiest but maybe the more convenient (lesss sacrificial..?) think spending thousands on powders. Recall the times he don't listen well, interrupts, speaks over, cuts ppl us. Recall the times he gets unreasonably angry and throws his temper. 

think the times he's in pain and said he just wna leave, sleep and not wake. think of the time where these may be a relieve to him. I need to see him as he is. not anymore saint-like or romanticised. because yes, there's still other parts to life to be explored. 

As a wise friend said, my time with him now is more precious than somebody else's time with their Dad. I feel it. Thanks friend. 

Phases

Absence/ Figure

Fear is gripping me.
What would life without a Dad be like?
Dad managed to calm my fear when I was down/scared/by myself.
He was a solid presence.
He was undoubtedly there ever step of the way, in my lane. Doing what he can to maintain my happiness.
Am I doing enough? I should strive to live each day to make him happy, that's the only way I could repay him. Repay his efforts, his commitment, the responsibilities he took on for us to grow up with minimal care/concerns. 

Good/Bad 

Of course he's not perfect. There are times where he seems selfish (caring for own pleasures drinks, smokes, friends), seems self-centered (him-first), almost weak (yet strong). Weak cause why not do the hard stuff? Why only pick and choose low lying fruits? yet in this situation, he's strong he handled pain side effects like a trooper. handled moments of solitude, gut wrenching pain (literally) all while shedding a few tears so far. 

Presence/Cherished Moments

My parents' presence were all I know of. How do we handle life without them? I grew up sheltered, had no major concerns when it came to food we felt like eating (Dad coming back happily with our favourite food. all we had to is ask), leisure opportunities (limited relative to others, but sufficient), academic opportunities (no lack of tuition I need though they cost an arm and leg).  

I remember happy moments (when I was playing, and they came back from work smiling, happy cause I was), I remember playing cards with my Dad (inhabited) ok we still do sometimes. I remember Dad as a strong muscular figure (sure, big at times embarrassingly big, cause how..?) but still strong/ booming figure. How we fought with each other hard on whether to redo the year. back and forth. It showed why I was his daughter, that stubbornness, the resolute position. giving in cause he can't help but support me eventually.  I'm thankful for the years of relative good health he had, I wish we had more. I wish we had reasonably more. that he could be there in the next phase of my life. But again what do I know right? what could I see from my limited POV how all these is meant to be/play out. 

Takeaways/Refinement/Attitude?

But I know, and I repeat, I'll miss him so much. I pray for so many more heartfelt conversations, drawn out conversations that would be enough to last me. What good could come out of this? Could I come out of it unscathed? or broken/shattered and finding it hard to ever recover.

Life is so confusing. why did this come in a time like this? What do I do. It's so bitter. suppose to be sweet. but all these is so hard. I need my Dad with me. there are times I thought (1) ok yes, let him leave mercifully. but I'm not so gracious, stay. stay with me. I'm not sure I could let go that easily.  (2) that ok, lets get this phase over, too much roller coasters, but no. I would go through good and bad with him. because he was there for me, he loved me. and I love him. 

How do I handle this on my own? How do I continue on my own. What if I need Dad's advice/POV? What if I need his sensibility/ logical thinking/ somebody to fact check with. I'll miss him (1) in soccer matches (2) in random things in life I may not know about (3) his booming voice (4) his most attractive eyes which radiates kindness/love.

Reproach

Wish I could do better, and have a stronger walk in God. so that I can take comfort in seeing Dad with God. would Dad go under the ambit of Abba Dad? Even if his urn is in the temple and he currently would go for the Buddhist wake considering the ancestry. 

On grief?

I heard grief/joy would co-exist. But it's hard. this is hard. Why are we brought here to gather then leave? anybody keen to show this darkness in a form of a movie? I told my friends I would never be able to prepare for it. I can't help but feel it might be painfully true.  How would one ever recover from losing a loved one permanently? only when we cease to exist too?

Help. Running away from any end that comes to us all. Help. What could we do? what should I do? 

save me. save me. save me.  save me from myself. I think only God could save me from the depths of my sorrow. or rather, if there's nobody else I know only God could. Let's remind myself that. 

I pray pray to look in the right direction, to see this right. pray to be diligent in finding ways to explore this because I should not waste any trial/tribulations. 

Future 

Also. Similar to the advice I gave, there would be many ppl remaining who may not be outrightly there but loves me. millions/billions of ppl in this world have faced this, and lived through it. nobody escapes. not even the beloved Queen. We all have a finite time here. so if I could promise myself not to waste any day in grief, to do Dad proud (What did he teach me? hard work, stoic-ness, being reliant, there, practicality, his fav question "if not then how...?" what could we do.). there's so many places to explore, so many things to see, a life to be lived. as I grieve, I need to also open my heart to new experiences. I wish time with him wasnt so short (up to my young adult years) I wish I had my father for a longer period of time. But it's time to grow, grow out of the shackles/shambles, circling, cowwebs of thoughts I've kept myself in, ruminating, no action, so many faults/flaws, limiting beliefs growth). Get up, grow up. yes there's many more to life and I'll find ppl to journey with. May I still see the goodness in humanity, May I choose to share the light with more ppl, to be brave and not keep to myself. To build and only go upwards from this. Ambitious? not possible? Only time could tell. But I know it has come from a vision/ resolute commitment/ effort and patience with myself. It's not going to be easy. I'll start from somewhere? Journaling would help me remember some of these resolutions I have. that's a start.

Five for fighting. Help me live a life that honours what we've been given/blessed with. help me find a way to come out of this wiser/ smarter/ simpler/ more beautiful.

Ok, that's all for now. Renewed courage/faith to go another day. Day by day,