Walk

I remember. 

I remember the indigence / trauma and hurt I went through. I didn't deserve to have to deal with that level of pressure stress. I didn't have to put up with what I did. I did it out of love. But I’ve paid the price in the form of 2023. There was fight, letting go, large amount of unmerited(?) forgiveness. 

There was sacrifice. Going above and beyond. The extra miles. There was pain. There was asking “can I give more” and to both Dad and Mom the answer was yes. A million times over. I’m here cause of them. I owe them my existence (?)  They deserve that much. That much which is also probably the bare minimum. 

I remember. 

Remember that night so clearly. I was holding his hand. I remember now the struggle/ pain he went through. How it hurts him to breathe. How every waking moment was torture. How he sought release. How he fought with all his being to stay with us. How he wished he could leave. How he had his eyes wide opened afraid if he closed it he would get restless(?) 

I remember. 

That night. I was both restless and at peace. Something told me to give him my all that day. To be with him. I have so much pent up hurt and grief from this. It’s hard to comprehend and understand. Is it so much that I became numb (?) I remember packing my bags about to leave in that stormy night. I remember that timely message. I remember the cacophony of snores, pain, rattling, lightning, thunder, nurses typing, someone reading. Surrounded by males all sick in their own ways. 

I remember. 

Remember wishing to catch a breather and going out of the room. It was dark. Deafening silence. I remember attempting to catch a wink. I see pictures of a river. And a line so loud and clear saying that “He will lead us by still waters”. I remember heading back. Getting myself comfortable. And waking up to Dad leaving. 

I remember the good times. 

Remember how when he was healthy and fit he loved me generously. Almost unconditionally. He loved me. Showered me with excessive sacrificial love. To the point of pampering me. 

I hope he is proud of how I handled seeing him move on. I was calm. At peace. 1 month in I’m starting to crack. Is it because I’ve yet to find good things to move forward to. Is there anything worth grasping at?

Why are people’s love less unconditional? 

“You say I’m enough.

You say I’m strong. “

Please walk this grief journey with me lord. You’ve blessed us once you could do it again. I pray for peace and healing. I pray to look to you this Christmas. I pray for us to continue to walk closely together. That I never forget your faithfulness and love. Forever and as long as I’m on earth. Help me be the light. Your vessel. Your mouthpiece. Your salt of the earth. Help me be strong in you. Courageous in you. And take comfort in knowing that you are here with me. Please lord help me remember this and testify of your goodness and graciousness all the days of my life. Please let my life be pleasant to you. Let me sing of your goodness. Help me lord. Find my way.  Pray that you help those who are grieving this period lord. 

You are the way. The truth. And the light. 

hi.

 Wedding felt like a long time ago. Wow. I'm somebody's elses wife. I have a hubby.

good happy balance

my best friend told me to remember to also cherish this phase of life I have. this marriage. this bliss. amidst the sadness/ possible loss. help me remember it.

Grief and Love

Can't have grief if love did not exist.

Have so many thoughts lets go through a few scenarios

(1) should Dad leave beyond this for extended periods of time

- it would be heavy responsibility on the family for his care needs
- we may not have a life (worried and living life concerned for him)
- it may put added stress on us for a period of time
- life would be revolving around him, possibly being his minion assuming chemo continues
- it would be ups and downs and concerns and having to preempt situations
- hospital visits/ discussions with oncologists would be the norm
- I remember the sight (eyes wide opened, shocked, communication?) the smell (from not being washed? being brushed? wiped down?). the distended belly, hardened thighs, wrinkled skin. It's alot to take in. from the big big strong muscular Dad we know. 
-but we would have Dad around. Dad who has been my best friend/whom I could connect with on a soul level. who is fiercely protective of me. Dad who would be sweet check in on me on a daily basis and concerned bout whether I am doing ok. Dad who would get me or bring me to food I crave for. Dad who would go out of his way to meet me cause he probably misses me. 

(2) should Dad leave after a medium period of time

-it would be painful too. not long enough for us to live our life "normally' while he's here. not short enough to save ourselves the pain and many emotions.
- it may be the moderated version of (1) and (3) though. is it both the best and worst of both situations?
- I wish we know the answer. but lets make it clear that Dad has taken it in his stride, little personality change, no (not much?) anger. peace. peace. calling for mercy, praying for mercy. that seems like his posture. God/Lord please have mercy on him. 

(3) should Dad leave after a short period of time

- it would be too quick/abrupt. not enough time to process grief
- we may miss him too much. but everybody should/would mostly be spared of this journey. journey of figuring/ praying/ expecting/ making peace
- would we be able to settle what needs to be settled? 
- there wouldn't be time for such strong emotions (?) 

but let it be recorded that Dad attempted to fulfill his role up till the very end. He did what he could to

- walk me down the aisle
- see me in my wedding dress
- be my marriage witness
- help with the guest count
- cheer me on and clap for me,

I'm glad. I pray for

- peace to acknowledge this phase of life
- wisdom to see this in a calm and comforting manner
- fortitude to carry on for the people who are still here whom loves me and are there to celebrate other milestones
- discernment to take in the lessons to be learnt from this phase to only move on as how the daughter of my Dad would
-graciousness for myself to allow grief, to miss him, miss how he was, miss how he is, his larger than life personality, kindness, how he's not like the usual Dad (encouraging me to drink, giving me complete freedom to do what I like), but also doing what he can in his own capacity (to give me advice, $$, opportunities, guidance). 

I love my Dad. Pls help me remember the good. that you would be there as an angel in heaven watching over us, completely healed and happy. Meanwhile, while you are here, I pray to use the time with you wisely, meaningfully and without regrets. 

God bless us. Peace be with us. We love you dad. Please feel it. Please know it.  

offer

 Emotions are as such

(1) holding on with my Dad as he holds on (cause it’s my wedding)

(2) feeling angry when I see him enjoying himself (recklessly/ full abundance/ boldly). Yet now, we are all in this.

(3) blaming myself for (2)

(4) swinging between too little/ much time at work. But remembering that work would move. People appreciate us though we don’t feel it sometimes 

(5) dad’s words lamenting complaining pained expression frail body puts me in a sad spot/ spiral. It takes away from the good / the time available. 

(6) but. Also remembering that we are alll here for 1 ride. 

(7) we are never going to be this age we are. Seize it. Don’t waste it. That’s what Dad would want. To live boldly. As he did

(8) teach me/ show me/ guide me lord. May you grant my Dad your abundance of mercy so he’s relieved of pain. Draw him to you and help us see that your ways are higher than 

Take me as I am

if I can't vent at least I should make it a point to record every single feeling I'm feeling.
there's so much going on. Sometimes I'm happy/ then sad/ feel lucky/ then there's grief/heartbreak/ helplessness/ empathy (too much)/ anger/ self-reproach/ educating myself/ juggling a million and one things. 

What should we do? What can we do. doing my best and forced to take it a day at a time. I feel stretched in all areas. Pick your battles. But be sure who you wna fight with/against/for. 

want to learn to communicate slowly/properly/at the right pitch/volume/pace. 

I wish we could share the mental load. but I feel left to fight all the battles. myself. I suppose life can't/won't be perfect (anymore?). as my best friend said, I have to take the good with the bad and know that everything is still worthwhile.

May I be going into these with my eyes wide open. Knowing the good/bad/ugly and going through. Not ignoring/brushing off. help. 

friends come and go. I've had good friends/ not so good/ been a good friend/ not so good. 

my Dad's grumpy/doing his best/holding on. it's not easy. what can I do? love him/ care for him make him happy/ show him he is loved. will do what I can. 

mom's reasonable. but we have to have a line.

please. show me. please guide me. Amen. Now. Be present.

.

30 mins after the diagnosis.
I pray my Dad finds happiness in whatever time left.
and I do what I can to support it. 
and he lives live how we like it/ in his terms.
I ask for energy/ minimal complications.

were we numb? how did we manage to keep the poker face and keep ourselves together today?
learning to accept the status/ to see things in totality/ to see the good, bad ugly sad beauty and everythg in between. learning to be thankful. to trust in God's timing. to trust that God's ways are higher than ours. He knows best.

Dear Lord, I pray my Dad has a good remaining of his time. I pray he finds joy/peace happiness and ..his way to you. Amen. 

Muse

Resentful for things you do that you do out of your own free will. that you do cause you want to. irresponsible living. burdens effects I have to carry. why?  

all the short fused moments. all the laziness. alll the times you get angry cause minor things don't go your way. all the times you order ppl around (tho with much finesse/skills). where do you learn that from?

Learnt that your entire life your sisters served you. you protected them I suppose. but. who are you? are you somebody who waits around to be served/ lazy to do things on your own. are you hardworking and focusing your energy on the right moments? I cant tell.

why. who are you? why. be balanced in your views. 

Bits and Pieces

Rmbr not to pigeonhole life to what u know. Take chances. Communicate. Never know the places we could go with this. 

Only 1 life, someone in a completely different situation could/ would see do things differently.  Life life valiantly. Should we compete on happiness level. Would it be exhausting?  Be smart. Be resourceful. Live. 

Take various paths. Cherish what we have. 

On another note, see the young boy in my Dad. The one with many flaws too. Stubborn/ thoughtful/ considerate/ wilful/ reflective/ not rationale/ attention seeking..? / kind/ fierce eyes/ to be listened to/ to feel ok without pain/ hygiene/ habits/ many to adjust. But. Still the lovable Dad.  

So how. As per the advice I’m given I ask to cherish every time/ second I have with him. Esp if that’s what we have. At this juncture. Be with us. Lord. 

Show/help us. Have mercy. Love, Kristal.

Checks.

remember his moment of sarcasm. that he's not perfect. that he isnt working on himself. he does what he like. and only does whats convenient (pay, somebody else helping, things to his hand). I acknowledge that when ppl are not comfortable, their personality will not be as lovable there would be a complete shift. would that be a true measure of someone then?

Just wna have a balance view of all this. the value of life. and how I should not spend the bulk of it in misery/grief for someone who is... not perfect. who has been there. loved me. cared for me. but eventually human. stubborn, etc.

save me.

having a hard time. happy. sad.
can't wait for it to end. don't wna it to start. hence, can only enjoy this process. what is the purpose of life?reflective. more so than ever. thankful for precious moments, moments where I know God is indeed talking to me. 

Afraid of the time to come. but, if we can accept it sooner than maybe we be in a better state.  such a balancing act.

Thankful this gives us to love more, be a little more honest, be a little more kind. 

thoughts

my Dad's a big baby. or maybe he just like being cared for. allows us to care for him. does what he can. cause this. this is for his life.

need to rmbr my mom's aging, she's most lovely and need to cherish love her too.

They're both pretty good looking (if I could say so). in a way that theres that genuine-ness/sparkle radiating. love it love them. 

Perspective balance

Probably this may not mean a thing. But

I think I owe it to myself to record the moments when my Dad gets angry, unreasonable angry. the times when he has no self-control and does the thing he likes at everybody's else expense. the times when my sleep isnt deep enough, the stress I have to go through mentally physically. that the family mom/bro and helper have to. the trips I did not get to go. the low/no liefness I feel/holidays skipped. feeling like his slave, that our lives revolves around him.

this is also to remember any resentment I feel. resentment that life has to come to a standstill, I cannot live as carefree because of the fear. because he chose to be irresponsible and chose the easy ways out (think steroid injection, etc etc.) sure it may not be the easiest but maybe the more convenient (lesss sacrificial..?) think spending thousands on powders. Recall the times he don't listen well, interrupts, speaks over, cuts ppl us. Recall the times he gets unreasonably angry and throws his temper. 

think the times he's in pain and said he just wna leave, sleep and not wake. think of the time where these may be a relieve to him. I need to see him as he is. not anymore saint-like or romanticised. because yes, there's still other parts to life to be explored. 

As a wise friend said, my time with him now is more precious than somebody else's time with their Dad. I feel it. Thanks friend. 

Phases

Absence/ Figure

Fear is gripping me.
What would life without a Dad be like?
Dad managed to calm my fear when I was down/scared/by myself.
He was a solid presence.
He was undoubtedly there ever step of the way, in my lane. Doing what he can to maintain my happiness.
Am I doing enough? I should strive to live each day to make him happy, that's the only way I could repay him. Repay his efforts, his commitment, the responsibilities he took on for us to grow up with minimal care/concerns. 

Good/Bad 

Of course he's not perfect. There are times where he seems selfish (caring for own pleasures drinks, smokes, friends), seems self-centered (him-first), almost weak (yet strong). Weak cause why not do the hard stuff? Why only pick and choose low lying fruits? yet in this situation, he's strong he handled pain side effects like a trooper. handled moments of solitude, gut wrenching pain (literally) all while shedding a few tears so far. 

Presence/Cherished Moments

My parents' presence were all I know of. How do we handle life without them? I grew up sheltered, had no major concerns when it came to food we felt like eating (Dad coming back happily with our favourite food. all we had to is ask), leisure opportunities (limited relative to others, but sufficient), academic opportunities (no lack of tuition I need though they cost an arm and leg).  

I remember happy moments (when I was playing, and they came back from work smiling, happy cause I was), I remember playing cards with my Dad (inhabited) ok we still do sometimes. I remember Dad as a strong muscular figure (sure, big at times embarrassingly big, cause how..?) but still strong/ booming figure. How we fought with each other hard on whether to redo the year. back and forth. It showed why I was his daughter, that stubbornness, the resolute position. giving in cause he can't help but support me eventually.  I'm thankful for the years of relative good health he had, I wish we had more. I wish we had reasonably more. that he could be there in the next phase of my life. But again what do I know right? what could I see from my limited POV how all these is meant to be/play out. 

Takeaways/Refinement/Attitude?

But I know, and I repeat, I'll miss him so much. I pray for so many more heartfelt conversations, drawn out conversations that would be enough to last me. What good could come out of this? Could I come out of it unscathed? or broken/shattered and finding it hard to ever recover.

Life is so confusing. why did this come in a time like this? What do I do. It's so bitter. suppose to be sweet. but all these is so hard. I need my Dad with me. there are times I thought (1) ok yes, let him leave mercifully. but I'm not so gracious, stay. stay with me. I'm not sure I could let go that easily.  (2) that ok, lets get this phase over, too much roller coasters, but no. I would go through good and bad with him. because he was there for me, he loved me. and I love him. 

How do I handle this on my own? How do I continue on my own. What if I need Dad's advice/POV? What if I need his sensibility/ logical thinking/ somebody to fact check with. I'll miss him (1) in soccer matches (2) in random things in life I may not know about (3) his booming voice (4) his most attractive eyes which radiates kindness/love.

Reproach

Wish I could do better, and have a stronger walk in God. so that I can take comfort in seeing Dad with God. would Dad go under the ambit of Abba Dad? Even if his urn is in the temple and he currently would go for the Buddhist wake considering the ancestry. 

On grief?

I heard grief/joy would co-exist. But it's hard. this is hard. Why are we brought here to gather then leave? anybody keen to show this darkness in a form of a movie? I told my friends I would never be able to prepare for it. I can't help but feel it might be painfully true.  How would one ever recover from losing a loved one permanently? only when we cease to exist too?

Help. Running away from any end that comes to us all. Help. What could we do? what should I do? 

save me. save me. save me.  save me from myself. I think only God could save me from the depths of my sorrow. or rather, if there's nobody else I know only God could. Let's remind myself that. 

I pray pray to look in the right direction, to see this right. pray to be diligent in finding ways to explore this because I should not waste any trial/tribulations. 

Future 

Also. Similar to the advice I gave, there would be many ppl remaining who may not be outrightly there but loves me. millions/billions of ppl in this world have faced this, and lived through it. nobody escapes. not even the beloved Queen. We all have a finite time here. so if I could promise myself not to waste any day in grief, to do Dad proud (What did he teach me? hard work, stoic-ness, being reliant, there, practicality, his fav question "if not then how...?" what could we do.). there's so many places to explore, so many things to see, a life to be lived. as I grieve, I need to also open my heart to new experiences. I wish time with him wasnt so short (up to my young adult years) I wish I had my father for a longer period of time. But it's time to grow, grow out of the shackles/shambles, circling, cowwebs of thoughts I've kept myself in, ruminating, no action, so many faults/flaws, limiting beliefs growth). Get up, grow up. yes there's many more to life and I'll find ppl to journey with. May I still see the goodness in humanity, May I choose to share the light with more ppl, to be brave and not keep to myself. To build and only go upwards from this. Ambitious? not possible? Only time could tell. But I know it has come from a vision/ resolute commitment/ effort and patience with myself. It's not going to be easy. I'll start from somewhere? Journaling would help me remember some of these resolutions I have. that's a start.

Five for fighting. Help me live a life that honours what we've been given/blessed with. help me find a way to come out of this wiser/ smarter/ simpler/ more beautiful.

Ok, that's all for now. Renewed courage/faith to go another day. Day by day, 

Promise in the Dark

 Life is far from ideal.

State of mind

Surrounded by talk of life/death, lethargy, fate, hope/despair. Tired and wondering what life's about.
People close to me are not able to extend the same graciousness or understanding. 

I know life like I knew it would soon shift. I'm not sure when all the "lasts' might be but I wna be intentional, to cherish/capture these moments.  

I spent the past 2-3 years of my life doing what I can to take control (even for things beyond my control). I refused to believe I was not able to change stuff. This I admit led to a few issues. Yet here I am faced with a situation I have no authority/say in. Everything would be left to their discretion/choice/fate yet it would affect me greatly. This is cruel. 

Life 

I've looked back on my life and feel I came a long way. Major exams, presentations, thesis. Milestones/celebrations/ navigating relationships/friendships/ going on adventures/ doing crazy things (not nearly enough?) It seems like a hard truth/fact I have to come to terms with that some people are only meant to be there for a certain phase of life. The truth is, we came to this world alone and have to leave by ourselves?? I hate that I wna find ways to see this objectively, but the truth is I don't think I can run away from it. How do I recover from drastic changes/ being away from people who I'm linked to by genes. Because life revolves around this, there's a tendency for it to get depressing/ dark/ sad. But such a situation seem to require my presence/ attention/time. Hence, I need tolerance/ patience/ gratitude/ resilience/ strength and wisdom. I need to keep striving and know that regardless of the current situation, I'll only be 29 once. Hence, I need to remember to give myself space and time to enjoy/ live a little. Not every moment has to be productive or a hustle.   

R/s

I suppose I need to understand that once I enter marriage I can't live as me/myself and I. Everything (or most?) has to be seen as a partnership. I need to be aware everything has an impact. Hence, I ask I am reasonable, and my partner would be the most gracious and kind. 

Can I entrust my life/heart to you? Would you treat me graciously or count and tally everything with me? Would you find fault with me and be suspicious of my intents? or would you trust that at the core I'm not a bad person and I am reasonable. 
It's the simple things you do that hurt my feelings.
I'm afraid loving you might get lonely. can you understand?

Gratitutde.

whoever left the anonymous comment on Sep 19. I've read it over and over again. Thanks.

by any chance would you let me know who you are? Do I know you. Do you know me personally?

May life blesss you abundantly.

Light

My world is falling apart.
And there's no light to break out the dark.
That's when I look at you.

Life aint so great. What I hold dear, the life I know seems to be movinn...
I feel broken. Where do I run? 

Save me. 

When your tears are spent
On your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close
And sleep in your defence
When it's in your spine
Like you've walked for miles
And the only thing you want is just to
Be still for a while

Just trust in me
Trust in m
'Cause I'm just trying to keep this together
Because i could do worse and you could do better

Faith. Trust. Love.

 I’m on the deep end watch as I dive in.