I remember.
I remember the indigence / trauma and hurt I went through. I didn't deserve to have to deal with that level of pressure stress. I didn't have to put up with what I did. I did it out of love. But I’ve paid the price in the form of 2023. There was fight, letting go, large amount of unmerited(?) forgiveness.
There was sacrifice. Going above and beyond. The extra miles. There was pain. There was asking “can I give more” and to both Dad and Mom the answer was yes. A million times over. I’m here cause of them. I owe them my existence (?) They deserve that much. That much which is also probably the bare minimum.
I remember.
Remember that night so clearly. I was holding his hand. I remember now the struggle/ pain he went through. How it hurts him to breathe. How every waking moment was torture. How he sought release. How he fought with all his being to stay with us. How he wished he could leave. How he had his eyes wide opened afraid if he closed it he would get restless(?)
I remember.
That night. I was both restless and at peace. Something told me to give him my all that day. To be with him. I have so much pent up hurt and grief from this. It’s hard to comprehend and understand. Is it so much that I became numb (?) I remember packing my bags about to leave in that stormy night. I remember that timely message. I remember the cacophony of snores, pain, rattling, lightning, thunder, nurses typing, someone reading. Surrounded by males all sick in their own ways.
I remember.
Remember wishing to catch a breather and going out of the room. It was dark. Deafening silence. I remember attempting to catch a wink. I see pictures of a river. And a line so loud and clear saying that “He will lead us by still waters”. I remember heading back. Getting myself comfortable. And waking up to Dad leaving.
I remember the good times.
Remember how when he was healthy and fit he loved me generously. Almost unconditionally. He loved me. Showered me with excessive sacrificial love. To the point of pampering me.
I hope he is proud of how I handled seeing him move on. I was calm. At peace. 1 month in I’m starting to crack. Is it because I’ve yet to find good things to move forward to. Is there anything worth grasping at?
Why are people’s love less unconditional?
“You say I’m enough.
You say I’m strong. “
Please walk this grief journey with me lord. You’ve blessed us once you could do it again. I pray for peace and healing. I pray to look to you this Christmas. I pray for us to continue to walk closely together. That I never forget your faithfulness and love. Forever and as long as I’m on earth. Help me be the light. Your vessel. Your mouthpiece. Your salt of the earth. Help me be strong in you. Courageous in you. And take comfort in knowing that you are here with me. Please lord help me remember this and testify of your goodness and graciousness all the days of my life. Please let my life be pleasant to you. Let me sing of your goodness. Help me lord. Find my way. Pray that you help those who are grieving this period lord.
You are the way. The truth. And the light.
