hi.

 Wedding felt like a long time ago. Wow. I'm somebody's elses wife. I have a hubby.

good happy balance

my best friend told me to remember to also cherish this phase of life I have. this marriage. this bliss. amidst the sadness/ possible loss. help me remember it.

Grief and Love

Can't have grief if love did not exist.

Have so many thoughts lets go through a few scenarios

(1) should Dad leave beyond this for extended periods of time

- it would be heavy responsibility on the family for his care needs
- we may not have a life (worried and living life concerned for him)
- it may put added stress on us for a period of time
- life would be revolving around him, possibly being his minion assuming chemo continues
- it would be ups and downs and concerns and having to preempt situations
- hospital visits/ discussions with oncologists would be the norm
- I remember the sight (eyes wide opened, shocked, communication?) the smell (from not being washed? being brushed? wiped down?). the distended belly, hardened thighs, wrinkled skin. It's alot to take in. from the big big strong muscular Dad we know. 
-but we would have Dad around. Dad who has been my best friend/whom I could connect with on a soul level. who is fiercely protective of me. Dad who would be sweet check in on me on a daily basis and concerned bout whether I am doing ok. Dad who would get me or bring me to food I crave for. Dad who would go out of his way to meet me cause he probably misses me. 

(2) should Dad leave after a medium period of time

-it would be painful too. not long enough for us to live our life "normally' while he's here. not short enough to save ourselves the pain and many emotions.
- it may be the moderated version of (1) and (3) though. is it both the best and worst of both situations?
- I wish we know the answer. but lets make it clear that Dad has taken it in his stride, little personality change, no (not much?) anger. peace. peace. calling for mercy, praying for mercy. that seems like his posture. God/Lord please have mercy on him. 

(3) should Dad leave after a short period of time

- it would be too quick/abrupt. not enough time to process grief
- we may miss him too much. but everybody should/would mostly be spared of this journey. journey of figuring/ praying/ expecting/ making peace
- would we be able to settle what needs to be settled? 
- there wouldn't be time for such strong emotions (?) 

but let it be recorded that Dad attempted to fulfill his role up till the very end. He did what he could to

- walk me down the aisle
- see me in my wedding dress
- be my marriage witness
- help with the guest count
- cheer me on and clap for me,

I'm glad. I pray for

- peace to acknowledge this phase of life
- wisdom to see this in a calm and comforting manner
- fortitude to carry on for the people who are still here whom loves me and are there to celebrate other milestones
- discernment to take in the lessons to be learnt from this phase to only move on as how the daughter of my Dad would
-graciousness for myself to allow grief, to miss him, miss how he was, miss how he is, his larger than life personality, kindness, how he's not like the usual Dad (encouraging me to drink, giving me complete freedom to do what I like), but also doing what he can in his own capacity (to give me advice, $$, opportunities, guidance). 

I love my Dad. Pls help me remember the good. that you would be there as an angel in heaven watching over us, completely healed and happy. Meanwhile, while you are here, I pray to use the time with you wisely, meaningfully and without regrets. 

God bless us. Peace be with us. We love you dad. Please feel it. Please know it.