Promise in the Dark

 Life is far from ideal.

State of mind

Surrounded by talk of life/death, lethargy, fate, hope/despair. Tired and wondering what life's about.
People close to me are not able to extend the same graciousness or understanding. 

I know life like I knew it would soon shift. I'm not sure when all the "lasts' might be but I wna be intentional, to cherish/capture these moments.  

I spent the past 2-3 years of my life doing what I can to take control (even for things beyond my control). I refused to believe I was not able to change stuff. This I admit led to a few issues. Yet here I am faced with a situation I have no authority/say in. Everything would be left to their discretion/choice/fate yet it would affect me greatly. This is cruel. 

Life 

I've looked back on my life and feel I came a long way. Major exams, presentations, thesis. Milestones/celebrations/ navigating relationships/friendships/ going on adventures/ doing crazy things (not nearly enough?) It seems like a hard truth/fact I have to come to terms with that some people are only meant to be there for a certain phase of life. The truth is, we came to this world alone and have to leave by ourselves?? I hate that I wna find ways to see this objectively, but the truth is I don't think I can run away from it. How do I recover from drastic changes/ being away from people who I'm linked to by genes. Because life revolves around this, there's a tendency for it to get depressing/ dark/ sad. But such a situation seem to require my presence/ attention/time. Hence, I need tolerance/ patience/ gratitude/ resilience/ strength and wisdom. I need to keep striving and know that regardless of the current situation, I'll only be 29 once. Hence, I need to remember to give myself space and time to enjoy/ live a little. Not every moment has to be productive or a hustle.   

R/s

I suppose I need to understand that once I enter marriage I can't live as me/myself and I. Everything (or most?) has to be seen as a partnership. I need to be aware everything has an impact. Hence, I ask I am reasonable, and my partner would be the most gracious and kind. 

Can I entrust my life/heart to you? Would you treat me graciously or count and tally everything with me? Would you find fault with me and be suspicious of my intents? or would you trust that at the core I'm not a bad person and I am reasonable. 
It's the simple things you do that hurt my feelings.
I'm afraid loving you might get lonely. can you understand?