This Journey.

This journey has not been easy for me.
Did I view it wrong? see this as some race, something I can use to gain approval/affection/love, attention?
Did I let too many voices get in my head. That I don't hear God's or mine? 
I acted so silly thinking I could control and manage outcomes.
I've been proactive. things from the past affecting things now. 
What could be the reason? I wouldn't know. Is it not time yet, is my body not ready, is my heart not in the right place. Are we not ready? Is my mental space not suitable and inviting for a child. Well these hurts.

This journey exposes weakness, humbles me. I am not out of the woods.
How do I get better from this instead of turning bitter? I have not found my way while still stuck on this.
I still cannot understand. I am not sure I hear any voices so clearly.

I have much to be thankful for at this juncture. To count my blessings. 
To still find Joy.

yet I don't wna discount the journey, and tough moments. Watching others be fruitful.  not understanding what the elders think.  wondering what's wrong..

I hated that I went to the trip at a completely wrong time. I am not sure I enjoyed any of it. I wish we had a better time. It made me see I was not all knowing. It made see I had gaps in my understanding. It made me see how silly,  illogical, not rationale I can be. It teach me to communicate more, be less rash, think through what I prioritise, appreciate the warmth of sun rays on my skin, understand and empathise with my friends dealing with winter and cold days.

I hated that I am constantly seeking approval, finding ways to serve others before me, being so considerate, checking my blindspots, and not just enjoying this journey. I hate that I think I have so much to unlearn before I arrive (and of course it can be said, we are always only arriving).

I hate that I went through what I went through the past 2 years. Passing of Dad, grandma, moving in and learning to adapt, fit in, not cause too much noise, be the good girl. quieten yourself/life, zero autonomy.

why is life recently filled with so many unhappy things that don't go my way? what is this suppose to teach me. it keeps getting me down.... and where I wna be seem so far away. I cannot understand this.

All the good I have pales in comparison. I am filled with bitterness, sadness, anger. I can't really find my way. I just have thorns, shackles. It's hard to break free.

Please. give me wisdom, resilience through this journey. 

Amen. 

Love just is.

maybe I should stop thinking my emotions are right
and not let emotions control manage me.
how do I stop this?

there's another part of me that feels like I am not treated very fairly.
playing the supporting role and being unappreciated. 
not getting the same support.

Deep Kindness

Dear lord,

My deep need cries out to your deep kindness,

I pray you give me wisdom, through these bends, and detours. When things are not clear, when the road in front of me is filled with uncertainty, I ask that I recognise you are the bringer of light, and you are walking with me.

Please help me make peace with my situation and help me see how when things work in your time, that you are truly the mastermind who never lets me down, ever.

Amen.

Love story

We were both young when I first saw you.
Remember when we loved sweetly, I felt appreciated?

We are chasing different things now.
Having been through loss, what I crave for now is stability, peace, fun, contentment. Grief comes up every once in awhile. But I've managed.

You crave the material/tangible. I crave the intangible. That's what setting us apart. 
I'm tired of figuring this out each time after a conflict. 
When did I become so afraid to lose you? The powerplay is scary.

You cannot empathise with what I am going through, or begin to understand what this means for me. I can't blame you for it without the same lived experiences... so I can only learn to get out of it and meet you where you are at.

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I've also been starting to think that I've let other people's thoughts run my life. let other voices in. and we lose sight of each other. forgot what it means to have only each other.

I've also thought that I've recently been sleepwalking through life. Maybe you have not lost your drive. and I'm the one who has settled, with no tangible aims, goals. 

Yet I'm still glad (deep down somewhere) that I have you. that I think our love for each other (if we harness it) can overcome any thing we face. 

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Let me prioritise the renewing of the mind, don't let shackles slow me down, cause me to stumble. I see that you want to live your best life. What does my best life look for me? It might be different from his best life.

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I do wna feel like I've lived at the end of this too. so I should remove the doubts, fears, any part of me that shrinks to fit others. and live more loudly and comfortably.

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Remember the movies/songs/feelings of the past. where we thought anything was possible? Where we romanticised life greatly. please keep poetry and art in your life. Don't lose that it could be the distinction between a typical and exceptional life. 

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"It's a new dawn, it's a new day. Feel good". Dream. Yet again. Dream and Achieve."

Peace out.