Love letter

Do I have anything to say to you Dad? Do I have anything more..? given a chance.

I feel I said what I needed to. I've told you "I loved you" a million times. I've kissed you as you went from chubby and warm to scrawny and colder. I've given what I could considering the multitudes of things. I've also seen how you held on. Kept it together mostly. Did what you can. you fought a really good fight Dad. nobody could hold a candle to your pain tolerance. your attitude. your disposition. even in your pain, you were at times cheerful. I wish you could be here in this phase of life. to enjoy your retirement. to enjoy what you've worked hard for. I'm ok to hear you complain. But I would also keep reminding you and asking you "not to smoke", "drink too much" and "exercise more". Some things possibly won't change unless we're made to. 

I have so many emotions hidden/burried. they say don't think. but. I expect more hard landings. should I keep them away. I wna face it. but not sure how to articulate it. I thought I articulated what I could in your eulogy. it gave me peace. it was everything I would say / tell you. that I knew you would love to hear (but be to bashful to hear anyway). The grief is gnawing at me. Mom or bro are not always right. let's make this clear. so in this case, I should stand up for what I believe/ trust/ am firm about. I admit I'm not always right either. but I know my actions stem from a place of deepest care and love.

Do you trust him so much you didnt leave me with anything? I cannot understand. This shouldnt matter to me anyway. We cannot deny that while you were well, I was the recipient of your love/care/concern/ admonishment.  We had a good father daughter relationship. I was glad to have you as my Dad. somebody who made me feel like a princess (your princess), protected and loved. you set your standards high. Let me not forget that. 

I pray you're singing/happy/enjoying heaven. And you come to me and let me know heaven's indeed real and you are waiting.  I ask for wisdom to navigate through these. I ask to be mindful. We all really only have "1 life". lets make it count. help me live my life worthy /how you would like it and more. exceedingly more. 

Love, 
me.