Love letter

Do I have anything to say to you Dad? Do I have anything more..? given a chance.

I feel I said what I needed to. I've told you "I loved you" a million times. I've kissed you as you went from chubby and warm to scrawny and colder. I've given what I could considering the multitudes of things. I've also seen how you held on. Kept it together mostly. Did what you can. you fought a really good fight Dad. nobody could hold a candle to your pain tolerance. your attitude. your disposition. even in your pain, you were at times cheerful. I wish you could be here in this phase of life. to enjoy your retirement. to enjoy what you've worked hard for. I'm ok to hear you complain. But I would also keep reminding you and asking you "not to smoke", "drink too much" and "exercise more". Some things possibly won't change unless we're made to. 

I have so many emotions hidden/burried. they say don't think. but. I expect more hard landings. should I keep them away. I wna face it. but not sure how to articulate it. I thought I articulated what I could in your eulogy. it gave me peace. it was everything I would say / tell you. that I knew you would love to hear (but be to bashful to hear anyway). The grief is gnawing at me. Mom or bro are not always right. let's make this clear. so in this case, I should stand up for what I believe/ trust/ am firm about. I admit I'm not always right either. but I know my actions stem from a place of deepest care and love.

Do you trust him so much you didnt leave me with anything? I cannot understand. This shouldnt matter to me anyway. We cannot deny that while you were well, I was the recipient of your love/care/concern/ admonishment.  We had a good father daughter relationship. I was glad to have you as my Dad. somebody who made me feel like a princess (your princess), protected and loved. you set your standards high. Let me not forget that. 

I pray you're singing/happy/enjoying heaven. And you come to me and let me know heaven's indeed real and you are waiting.  I ask for wisdom to navigate through these. I ask to be mindful. We all really only have "1 life". lets make it count. help me live my life worthy /how you would like it and more. exceedingly more. 

Love, 
me.

Grief and Longing

Today is close to "49th day" of Dad's passing. I was/have been doing ok. but considering they term it as the "last day" he may be on earth. It feels slightly harder/ like this "gap" / "separation" isn't enough and there's going to be a wider chasm between us.

I've been proud of how I/my mom and bro have been taking all these. We've really bucked up and continued our way. live how we should. I ask that Dad's passing which taught me the fragility of life, the fleetingness of the moments we have don't go wasted. I ask that I'll remember the precious lessons I've learnt from this, cause it would not do such a momentous event justice.

I see many eyes on me, seeing how I may take / approach this. I pray (1) to be ok to love deeper (2) care more and (3) see beyond. Dare to let go of what shouldn't matter and embrace what matters more. I should.. start on my grief journal. and testimony. Only right.

I'm learning to adapt to this new normal. but it isn't so easy to adapt to soo many things all at once. and also dealing with random bouts of criticism where I have no idea stems/comes from. (??) Like if you were to tell me sthg bad about me. You should at least be specific bout what was wrong and tell me how I could do better. not attack me then leave it as that (i.e. not able to explain what was wrong). I intend to live a life with less anxiety/ more freedom. but the random episodes of attack/ complain brings me back to this. How should I embrace/love myself more if I'm constantly having to deal with random bouts of criticism which confuses. I reflect so much. I have no alternatives to the criticism presented to me. Should I just keep my mouth shut? not confide? not be honest? be vague? watch every word? cause it all comes across veiled to you. or if you reflect on yourself do you understand me well enough (?) as a person to the core. or do I understand/know me..? Am I missing sthg. You are not telling or explaining well either. I need to hear your inner thoughts. maybe that's the first step to working this out. 

I should learn to be gentle/give myself more credit. for what I've went through the past few months. wedding/ change of job scope/ moving in/adapting to "new parents" (still adapting)/ life without truffle/ or those who watched me grow up. It ain't easy. but I'll learn. I ask to give thought to things that matter and ignore what shouldn't. I've got the message to abide in what matters, to look to the Hills (what's higher).

ok. this is the first night of hardlanding/grief. it should be expected. Considering how I've been the past months since Dad's passing. The situations I had to go through, what I had to watch/ see/hear. I ask for mercy and peace. I ask for relief and wisdom. 

Is this an abyss I'm falling into? or a trampoline from which I'll jump/ and propel further from? I ask that it's the latter.

I have many new year resolutions, time to find some ways to fulfill them so that I feel fulfilled and find new found meaning by the end of the year. Please help me stay the course and be focused. physically mentally spiritually. professionally(?), personally. Ironically with such events in life, the value I place on different areas changes. I would give less at work and live a little more. prioritise family/ friends (those who deserve it), leisure!! what makes me happy (travel, food, theme parks, nature parks). Remember it for yourself this year and look back and tick them off.

Learn to move forward with grief and gratitude. learn to move forward to be a better person. learn to practice mindfulness every step of the way. 

ok. will check back. meanwhile with lots of support to myself, will continue to live. and be a salt of the earth (humble/ meaningful/impactful(?) in my own way). so my presence on this earth would count for something in small ways. help me see where I can help in. as I continue to come across more stuff, may my heart be guarded "rightfully" and I navigate these wisely. As Dad says "do not think of high office" think of "whether you are worthy of high office". loaded. but think of whether we are worthy of the life blessed to us. Be it whatever left. whatever remains. what it is to come.

till then.

Love, 
me.