Jericho

If this is a marathon, at this point of time it probably is the 600m-700m mark in a 1km race. 1km doesn't seem like a lot. But, for somebody who loves 100m sprints, this is... quite a bit.

I should probably crank up my engine. Its such a paradox this semester. I feel like I have so much time and too little time at the same time. I would like to focus. Have more belief in myself.
Talking about belief, I never realized it, but recently, I realized, my mom never ever says positive words to me. I feel like my life is void of positive words from my peers. It is not that I need it, but...
I miss when something good was spoken to me about me. I don't really know can't really recognize any positive characteristic worth mentioning anymore. Do I have any to start with when I was younger? At least I knew I had people who made me feel like the best bout myself. People like Betty. Many others. The people close to me right now are so stingy with their compliments, don't give me the impression that they see the best of me, in turn, I don't feel like gold. I feel like turd.

Which brings me to my next point. I am working towards being gr8. I remember this quote this question "Do you dare to dance on greatness''? On my way back home, I asked myself that. I can't tell myself I dare. It kinda makes these futile. Why do I not dare? Is it because I don't see myself as somebody who could anymore? Is it because I allowed myself to be somebody the people around me see me to be. I will not go against the current. Its easier that way. Mediocrity. (lol) How. How do I find value in myself again. How do I start a cycle of self-belief again. truth be told, I had always seen the best of myself. But now. its all breaking down around me. I look at these and ask if they were all a facade i built up in my mind. If I look at myself honestly, Perhaps, it shows that, I am not the most deserving to be in any high position.

However, saying I am not deserving is highly dangerous. It is. So, I will learn to scrape that thought.
I need to learn to take responsibility for my flaws, shortcomings, be true to myself, honest to myself, take a good hard look identify improve.

Learn that I need to put in the hours.
Step by step.
no shorcuts to success. no escalator to succeses. no. it is pain. time. effort. belief.discpline.focus. love.
fortitude. resilience. whole lot of luck to meet the right people who will bring you up, show you who you can be with a whole lot of encouragement to egg you forward. w/o you even realizing. Because they are that strong, that for me. That with me.

I heard this quote that said " you cannot achieve success if you do not know how you got there''.
If you do not know what you've done right and achieve one hit wonders- Its kinda a fluke. it is not sustainable. not what real success is. Therefore, grind. review. take stock. be aware. be honest.

laugh more. be less serious. be serious. we are not getting out alive anyway.

I do still love'em,
just.. not some parts.

"We are all works of art. The things we have been through, the battles that we have fought, it just makes us more valuable''.

and maybe, if I can find some sense in all these. I'll be back- en route.