grit

you have one weeek kris.
are you going to rise up to it.
are you going to detest hardship
or are you going to come out.
refined.
aim. work smard.
yep.
work.

note.

when we give up we // while still alive.

super. human

the best people all have some kind of scar 

Listen.

I've given every breathe I got
& 
Sometimes, we just got to break down and breathe.

The pattern of falling and picking up falling and picking up,
How much stamina do I have? To keep doing this.
Its not a big deal. But this makes me want these 2 years to quickly pass.
1 year to be exact. 1.5 semesters to be exact.

Can I still reach for what I had my eye on.
Do I still dare to.
Its hard. Who am I?

Don't really have an identity. All I know is to chase grades to chase dreams.
that to chase my dreams I have to chase grades.
Dreams.

Save you

Feels like nobody really care about me.
Maybe only him.
So is this a blessing? Or a tragedy.
Lol.

But if he's my world. Maybe it's a blessing
It's all I need.

Wake Up

Nostalgic for the past

Recently, in my quiet time, all I want to do, is to bring myself back.

Back to when:

I was 7-9 years old, and all I did was lie ever so comfortably on the bed with no worries.
All I did was to devour dramas and books and look out at the sky and... dream.

I was 13-14 years old and feeling all fearless as I start life as a teen. Remembered feeling like
anything was possible. Guess I do still feel the same now but, there is the real world kickin in.

I was 15 and starting to date. Meeting that one guy who would steal my heart. Having my best friend there who would accompany, laugh and do life with me. However, my best friend she's busy now and has her own life to lead. While I sometimes bring myself back to the part of the world where only love exist, I know it is but temporary.

At this moment, there isn't just love. There is the hustle. They say 20-30 years old should be the age where most work is put in. Only then will it set us up for better days.

in the 2000s we don't see things like rampant shooting not that it is the norm. So why is it that the world we live in now...its just different. Same but different.

There used to be emphasis on real good music, realness, friendship but it is overtaken by... to me,
music that don't really resonate to me (some are good), curated things and the need to seek external validation.

I miss the old. Where all I need to know was to play, have fun and learn. Right now, days are filled with to-dos, due dates, requirements.


soon. 2 years. 1 year to be exact. then things will get better.

I need my feet on the ground. But at this moment, my head is in the cloud.
This won't do.

I just wish reality was as good as fantasy. I just miss good ol' days.

The simpler days. Its nice to be young. But, it comes and goes.  We are just taken along through this journey.


But, we decide. We lead.

feet on the ground kris. Reality could be sweeter.soon. soon. soon.

Long Run,

I have nothing but grit.

So stick to what you want Kristal.

Having stamina, stickin with things days in and day out.
CAN YOU kristal

Do u see the horizon alrdy.


Keep goin.

Symphony soldier

You've walked for miles. But this is only the beginning .
Don't stop. Don't stumble.
Go beyond.
You are more than your concerns more than what's bothering (me)

So. Wake up.
Start. It's only the beginning.

Luv.

Belle of the boulevard

Am I biting off more than I can chew?

valour.

Effervescence// Or Not.

Made me realize how fragile life is.

When I was in pain the other day, I thought to myself, wait. I am but in my twenties.

Assuming a normal life span, I would have decades more to go-- and it feels so long...

With the current spade of suicide cases, it made me wonder... how fragile this all is.

Some people are fighting for a higher rank in the corporate ladder

some people are fighting for fame and glory.

Others.. some- they are just fighting to save their lives and sanity.

We all have different lives to live. I guess it is important to keep ourselves in check. It is important to aim high, but we cannot forget to live , should not let life pass us by. We cannot forget to be playful and have fun once in awhile. We cannot allow ourselves to just be passerbys in everybody's life and not reach out to impact or touch anybody. We should live significantly such that at the very least, in our presence here we have helped somebody, provided warmth to somebody, brightened up the hearts of somebody. 

We seem to forget that perhaps that is the meaning of our existence to help everybody else here get by.

So note to self: While chasing, do not forget to stop and smell the flowers, do not forget to admire the scenery, do not let life pass you by as you have done for so many years. Do not, at an older age, ask why our younger self did not live, breathe and appreciate a little more.

Find beauty. Find beauty in the breakdown. Find beauty in the regeneration.

//

RIP Clay Adler, I liked you. 

Kaleidoscope

Updates of my life:

Intern life is about to come to an end. Glad I have been pulling through thus far. Wish I could be excellent and outstanding but I guess as long as I am passably competent that's good too.

Wish I can grow into somebody who speaks well, conveys articulately, got it going, someone who keeps looking forward because she constantly aims to get something- to have rewards to keep me going.

we cannot digress. cannot back-paddle. cannot think that status quo is fine. Because status quo is= falling behind.

keep aiming higher. keep setting the bar higher. that's only all we got. But don't forget to live a little, breath.

Saw this quote in the office " I aspire to live a life I do not have to take a holiday from''.
If lived out, it must come from somebody who enjoys work daily, who found a job that is at the optimum stage where her ability matches the job expectations, where she is not challenged too much but enough to keep her passionate about her job. At least, that's what I think.

Then again, should we let our perceived ability define us. Being thrown into a demanding situation allows us to grow further, stretch more beyond what we think possible. Maybe this is a better situation to be in.

Heck it, a mixture of both with more of the first situation interspersed with the second situation once in awhile- maybe that's best. (to me)

--------------------------

When I am asked to think of happy things I think, open fields, green yellow golden grass, riding horses. Maybe this is largely due to the fact that my favorite movie when I was younger was 'Spirit- Stallion of the Cimarron.' It taught me courage, bravery, strength, belief. I love horses though I have not actually interacted with one before.

Nights like this, I wish I was more productive. I hate not getting something out of my time. Its both good and bad to think like that. Bad in a way that I never really fully relax. Thus, a getaway would be good (on the back of things well settled).

How much do I have left within me?  Have I exhausted ma might, or has it only just begun, Keep going Kris. Aim higher, because you would wonder why you only aimed for this much when it could be that much more.

------------------------

Every now and then, I will think of the road trips I took in the states. It probably is one of the golden moments of my life. Seeing the world, experiencing culture, meeting people and learning about their traits, living their way of life, eating their kind of staple food, we feel rich. Rich in the knowledge of the world, realizing how much more there is than my way of life. My way of life is but just one way of life.

I would like to explore so much more of this world, take dips in clear blue water, chill on sandy beaches, taste my favorite food from their country of origin. But now, there is the hustle.


I have to quantify that, having him back, this event, that feeling I would like to immortalize.


23.

Time to read more books, expand my literary knowledge
Time to grow a bit more again.
Time to continue on with this thing we call: Life.


Be good. Be great. Be generous. Be fruitful. Be meaningful. Be worth it. Life.

//.

super.hero,

Something just like this

I've been reading books of old
The legends and the myths
Achilles and his gold
Hercules and his gifts
Spiderman's control
And Batman with his fists
And clearly I don't see myself upon that list

She said "Where'd you wanna go?
How much you wanna risk?
I'm not looking for somebody
With some superhuman gifts
Some superhero
Some fairytale bliss
Just something I can turn to
Somebody I can kiss"

"Oh I want something just like this
I want something just like this"

I've been reading books of old
The legends and the myths
The testaments they told
The moon and its eclipse
And Superman unrolls
A suit before he lifts
But I'm not the kind of person that it fits

She said "Where'd you wanna go?
How much you wanna risk?
I'm not looking for somebody
With some superhuman gifts
Some superhero
Some fairytale bliss
Just something I can turn to
Somebody I can miss"

"I want something just like this
I want something just like this"

@directlyrics.

Yep!

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all'- Oscar Wilde.

Will this be a meaningful/ love filled/ adventured filled journey?

Maybe. g.r.i.ns.

Jericho

If this is a marathon, at this point of time it probably is the 600m-700m mark in a 1km race. 1km doesn't seem like a lot. But, for somebody who loves 100m sprints, this is... quite a bit.

I should probably crank up my engine. Its such a paradox this semester. I feel like I have so much time and too little time at the same time. I would like to focus. Have more belief in myself.
Talking about belief, I never realized it, but recently, I realized, my mom never ever says positive words to me. I feel like my life is void of positive words from my peers. It is not that I need it, but...
I miss when something good was spoken to me about me. I don't really know can't really recognize any positive characteristic worth mentioning anymore. Do I have any to start with when I was younger? At least I knew I had people who made me feel like the best bout myself. People like Betty. Many others. The people close to me right now are so stingy with their compliments, don't give me the impression that they see the best of me, in turn, I don't feel like gold. I feel like turd.

Which brings me to my next point. I am working towards being gr8. I remember this quote this question "Do you dare to dance on greatness''? On my way back home, I asked myself that. I can't tell myself I dare. It kinda makes these futile. Why do I not dare? Is it because I don't see myself as somebody who could anymore? Is it because I allowed myself to be somebody the people around me see me to be. I will not go against the current. Its easier that way. Mediocrity. (lol) How. How do I find value in myself again. How do I start a cycle of self-belief again. truth be told, I had always seen the best of myself. But now. its all breaking down around me. I look at these and ask if they were all a facade i built up in my mind. If I look at myself honestly, Perhaps, it shows that, I am not the most deserving to be in any high position.

However, saying I am not deserving is highly dangerous. It is. So, I will learn to scrape that thought.
I need to learn to take responsibility for my flaws, shortcomings, be true to myself, honest to myself, take a good hard look identify improve.

Learn that I need to put in the hours.
Step by step.
no shorcuts to success. no escalator to succeses. no. it is pain. time. effort. belief.discpline.focus. love.
fortitude. resilience. whole lot of luck to meet the right people who will bring you up, show you who you can be with a whole lot of encouragement to egg you forward. w/o you even realizing. Because they are that strong, that for me. That with me.

I heard this quote that said " you cannot achieve success if you do not know how you got there''.
If you do not know what you've done right and achieve one hit wonders- Its kinda a fluke. it is not sustainable. not what real success is. Therefore, grind. review. take stock. be aware. be honest.

laugh more. be less serious. be serious. we are not getting out alive anyway.

I do still love'em,
just.. not some parts.

"We are all works of art. The things we have been through, the battles that we have fought, it just makes us more valuable''.

and maybe, if I can find some sense in all these. I'll be back- en route.

Call.

Feeling like I'm heading to ground zero again. Rock bottom again. 

Feeling it. But I would like to... quickly hit it. So that I get enough strength for my rebound. 

Existential crisis. Again(?)

I hate it when people talk to me like they know how to live my life better than I do. 

I had this happen before. And it shouldn't happen again. I hate when others think they know it better than me. About how I could live my life better and hint that their way would be better for me. 

I hate when my voice gets drowned out and theirs come in. I hate that I let it happen. 

Confidence at an all time Low again. 

This solitary moment makes me want to come back home. 

Pretty Hurts

I hate feeling like I'm not good enough. But I Guess the truth is, with all the competition around, it's not gna be a piece of cake being fine. Down in the ditches yet again. How do I find myself in all these. Wish for simpler days yet again. But it's getting harder. And what if my actions and efforts don't match up to my motivation and intentions. Then it's all talk. I Long for days where I find my life rich in meaningful and fulfilling relationships and friendships, which flourishes and take precedent over the only things on my mind at the moment. School and work.

I yearn to have more people luck something I feel I have been lacking since I came to university. I mean, I met a few gems.... maybe they are all that matters and I'm prosperous just with them. I need to learn to be a better person somebody I can love. I wish I restrict myself less, learn to live a little more, have fun.  But I also wish I would be more serious and resilient when in it comes to the requirements I need to meet for school and work. Can I be both person at once?

Some people seem to have it all together. I wish I was born superbly capable. Can I reach where I wna be? Or are these just dreams. Do I have what it takes- the grit the mantle to pull myself together, to be a holistic, respectable person. Or am I gna fall short and live shabbily with poor character.  Would I let myself ?

I wonder where life would take me. or rather, I wonder where I will take myself.  Kristal. Time to wake from your slumber. Exchange is over.  Easy life has stopped. Get back to the grind. Grind. Grind.

The pain of regret is far worst than the pain of discipline.  Please remember.  You only want to progress. Please don't devolve. Remember. Substance and character matters. Good character matters.

Cold To The Touch

what happens when the person closest to me sees me like a Monster
When somebody close to you can read you so wrong
Do you then realise that maybe it's been a part of you, just hidden from your own view.
Or you stifle a laugh, wondering how they get it so wrong.



Have chick flicks shaped my thoughts on how romantic love should be
Trials definitely. But it's forgiving , kind, gracious, deeply understanding , encouraging..