This journey has not been easy for me.
Did I view it wrong? see this as some race, something I can use to gain approval/affection/love, attention?
Did I let too many voices get in my head. That I don't hear God's or mine?
I acted so silly thinking I could control and manage outcomes.
I've been proactive. things from the past affecting things now.
What could be the reason? I wouldn't know. Is it not time yet, is my body not ready, is my heart not in the right place. Are we not ready? Is my mental space not suitable and inviting for a child. Well these hurts.
This journey exposes weakness, humbles me. I am not out of the woods.
How do I get better from this instead of turning bitter? I have not found my way while still stuck on this.
I still cannot understand. I am not sure I hear any voices so clearly.
I have much to be thankful for at this juncture. To count my blessings.
To still find Joy.
yet I don't wna discount the journey, and tough moments. Watching others be fruitful. not understanding what the elders think. wondering what's wrong..
I hated that I went to the trip at a completely wrong time. I am not sure I enjoyed any of it. I wish we had a better time. It made me see I was not all knowing. It made see I had gaps in my understanding. It made me see how silly, illogical, not rationale I can be. It teach me to communicate more, be less rash, think through what I prioritise, appreciate the warmth of sun rays on my skin, understand and empathise with my friends dealing with winter and cold days.
I hated that I am constantly seeking approval, finding ways to serve others before me, being so considerate, checking my blindspots, and not just enjoying this journey. I hate that I think I have so much to unlearn before I arrive (and of course it can be said, we are always only arriving).
I hate that I went through what I went through the past 2 years. Passing of Dad, grandma, moving in and learning to adapt, fit in, not cause too much noise, be the good girl. quieten yourself/life, zero autonomy.
why is life recently filled with so many unhappy things that don't go my way? what is this suppose to teach me. it keeps getting me down.... and where I wna be seem so far away. I cannot understand this.
All the good I have pales in comparison. I am filled with bitterness, sadness, anger. I can't really find my way. I just have thorns, shackles. It's hard to break free.
Please. give me wisdom, resilience through this journey.
Amen.
