Take me as I am

if I can't vent at least I should make it a point to record every single feeling I'm feeling.
there's so much going on. Sometimes I'm happy/ then sad/ feel lucky/ then there's grief/heartbreak/ helplessness/ empathy (too much)/ anger/ self-reproach/ educating myself/ juggling a million and one things. 

What should we do? What can we do. doing my best and forced to take it a day at a time. I feel stretched in all areas. Pick your battles. But be sure who you wna fight with/against/for. 

want to learn to communicate slowly/properly/at the right pitch/volume/pace. 

I wish we could share the mental load. but I feel left to fight all the battles. myself. I suppose life can't/won't be perfect (anymore?). as my best friend said, I have to take the good with the bad and know that everything is still worthwhile.

May I be going into these with my eyes wide open. Knowing the good/bad/ugly and going through. Not ignoring/brushing off. help. 

friends come and go. I've had good friends/ not so good/ been a good friend/ not so good. 

my Dad's grumpy/doing his best/holding on. it's not easy. what can I do? love him/ care for him make him happy/ show him he is loved. will do what I can. 

mom's reasonable. but we have to have a line.

please. show me. please guide me. Amen. Now. Be present.

.

30 mins after the diagnosis.
I pray my Dad finds happiness in whatever time left.
and I do what I can to support it. 
and he lives live how we like it/ in his terms.
I ask for energy/ minimal complications.

were we numb? how did we manage to keep the poker face and keep ourselves together today?
learning to accept the status/ to see things in totality/ to see the good, bad ugly sad beauty and everythg in between. learning to be thankful. to trust in God's timing. to trust that God's ways are higher than ours. He knows best.

Dear Lord, I pray my Dad has a good remaining of his time. I pray he finds joy/peace happiness and ..his way to you. Amen.