That is then and This is now

Trying to find a place where I can fit in- be myself a 100% and fit in.
To be accepted, to be able to recognize my positive traits through people around me. To love and be loved.

Not.

To feel out of place. or annoying. or irritating. or a burden.

Not

To have doubts on weather they place the same value in the relationship or friendship as me.

Not

To wonder where to go.

Because it seems like everywhere I turn, I just feel inherently annoying as a person.
I have no tolerance for myself. either.

I turn everywhere yet find no safe haven.
The haven which I do sorely look for. wistfully look for. look for with conviction.

A haven in which:

I can be transported back to where I saw myself in a positive light
I have people whom I know are working hard to connect with and contact me.
Where I see less flaws in myself every single second.


Shake it off. Shake off the shackles that bind me.

Can I still hear my own voice? Or is it drowned out by the voice of the world.
Can I still hear myself? Or I'm assimilating.
Can I still..

Is this a passing phase? We grow older, circumstances change, people change,
But I do not have to be jaded. I do not, have to allow myself to be tainted.

Why do I have to learn to shut up, to listen, to agree.
Why do I have to learn to compromise, to let it pass, to accept

Raise. Your. Voice- Kristal. ( not in the literal sense )
But, because, I am given the privilege to have my voice be heard,
I should, perhaps, learn to let

love. reign.
in me.

Do anybody understand the depth of my sadness?

I feel trapped in, by the voices so pervasive
I feel like a slave to my actions and thoughts
I feel manipulated by the actions of others

I don't really feel feee to be me.
Don't really feel free anymore.

I suppose the greatest torture, would be to be ripped off our freedom.
Because there will only be suppression, manipulation, tiredness that we feel.


Maybe mediocrity ain't too bad either.
Maybe I should accept that.

I haven't been good at anything anyway.
I beat myself up everyday, I'm my worst critic.
I wouldn't wna be friends with me, if someone talked to me the way I talk to myself.

Chest out, brighten up.
Days will get better.

I pray.


Love don't come easy.
True friends are gems I barely seen much of.
But the little makes me thankful for who I have.

I wish I was better.
I hate myself.
For being so flawed, with so much rough edges.

Adios.

I respect those who found their passion, who are so clearly meant to be what they chose to be in life, be it to- act, entertain, sing etc. They know, and we know, they were meant to do that. no doubt. their talent shows.

If it were made clear to me, what I'm suppose to be, to do.

If only I were stronger.

less weak in my mind, more healthy in my thoughts, more valiant.

I want a dog, they seem like really good companions who will love you be there, and just, thoughtful.

I want.... to be in a better place.
I can be.

Valiance. Kristal.

The Cab- Numbers

Out of the 7 billion people in this world,
there's only you

angel with a shotgun

 

Falling in love again, again. and again. 

When it comes to you, I choose love, over and over again. I don't ever want to let bad things get to us nor leave a stain on us, it should not stain something precious like us.

Therefore, I pick love. I remind myself of love. I choose love.

"The heart chooses who to fall in love with,
but the heart and mind chooses who to stay in love with."

is lazy my middle name

where are u- motivation?

where.

why do i feel so tired. its not even the beginning.

feeling like everything is so mundane. feeling the drag. monotony. living. waiting for time to pass. living the seconds of my life away. keeps ticking away.

is it inspiration that's lacking?

so much to do. so little time.

oh the contradiction. too much time, waiting for it to pass// too little time, so much to do.

whattttttt. Don't get it.

Wish I could be my own individual, a better one.

These days are a drag. They said if life is black and white, start dreaming in colors.

Its true. I need to start dreaming again.

make the days count.