Lol. Used to love the attention ( not in a way that i will deliberately try to seek it)
but in a way that I won't shy away from it.
Used to tell the story of my life.
what changed?
i know i can get out of this. I know i can.
I know many people are rooting for me.
Time to get out of my shell.
Coz I'm much better than this.

Got to have the right influence. With all the time in my hands, I cant be flippant about this.
Nope.

Guts kris.

The thing about me is. I feel like a perfectionist.
I can't tolerate my own failures.
I magnify my weaknesses and brush off my strengths.
That isn't the way to go.
Gta be brave. Be strong.

19.
the age between child-likeness and adulthood.
Ya're neither here nor there.
You can't tell if you're suppose to put away your childish/ childlike ways and learn to be an adult.
Or if one still has time to be the kid( The happy).

Sheltered. Yet realising that I gotta be my own person.
To carve out something apart from what I've known.
What next?
Can I transit the right way?

Tine to put away habits that brings me comfort but stops me from being the better person I can be.
Growing up really aint easy.
Transitions arent easy.

Am I gonna live my life flippantly?
Or with purpose?
The former seems to tell me its gna be less painful, easy. ( therefore perhaps..ok?)
The latter suggests pain. Yet the possibility of genuine joy ( of having push frontiers and being the person we can be)

To be the best version of ourselves. That should be our goal.
Rmbr that ok?
Everybody. Anyone reading this.

Is it better to face reality- risk being depressed by it/face reality and perhaps find genuine happiness
or be in my shell? happy...  happy I'd reckon.

Sometimes..... like..... its better to just..... live in my own shell.

"Even the sun sets in paradise."

lights up.

Pressure is mounting.

How to keep it all together.

Where do I find strength to carry on?

Getthegrip.

More of the point I need to show.

Wna break free from bad habits that tangles and ensnares me.
That spurts growth and stymies progress.

Beauty in the breakdown

I've learnt so much so far. Just really want to come out a better person.
Still finding myself. Still... learning. Thought I had a clue about me. But turns out....
It really isnt the case.
Coz life's so much more.Coz...I wna live it to the fullest.
I'm still me. I reckon. Despite the tough times & circumstances I wish didnt take place.
Learning nevertheless.
Living ma life.

Need to catch myself prioritise
Quieten myself down to the things that matter.....
So many things. But. Gta take it one by one.

can i plz get a grip of myself.

.To be more effective and productive Kristal?
.To keep my emotions in check. Not let it hinder me.
-These are just.... Stuffs I place upon myself.
All I need is a shift in paradigm.
That difficult????
C'mon run to the finish line. Don't look back.
Don't look to the left or right. Look forward.
Keep moving. Don't let anything hinder you. Kristal.

Need to be brave.and focused.

SELF DISCIPLINE.

I need more focus and self discipline.  
Cant be influenced by the way of the world.
I want to live a proper and upright life.
A llife that is worthy of God's praise.
He is way the truth and the light.

Based on my character, if i were to be of the world....
Wonder where i'll be now.
Wonder how life will turn out for me now.
Could i have lead the life i led.
Prim and Proper.

"Life will pass me by if I dont open up my eyes."

I need my feet on the ground.
Not my head in the clouds.
i need to get a grip of my emotions.
It may be ok now. but who really knows what the road ahead really is like.
therefore. i cant. i got to get my priorities straight.
i need to make it.
There is so many things to do. A part of me just really.........................
but. I'm so close.

Plan to reach the peak and nail every subject. It's every content bits and pieces.

;( been fighting way too long.
tell me.how long can i keep up?will i get stronger.
will it be too much for me.
i keep comparing. looking at other people's life, comparing it with my own.
i should know by now that it don't matter. that it really dont.
its like.... i got myself out of the mess.
cleared the mess in my head. to fall back in, into this abyss of darkness.
so tell me.
let me know.
give me a clue. an inkling.

The feeling of struggle became a norm for me. Such that when I finally figured out what's bothering me ytrday...and rid of it. I almost...... 
On the verge of break through.

I'm at an all time low.

 wake me up.

;( what am I doing. 

Who am I. 

What do I make of this life?
What's life suppose to be. How's it suppose to go!

What am I doing with my life really!!!

"Precision is key. When the error of margin is small"

facing all the barriers. all at once.
can i cross over'em.
and clinch my prize?

Am i... was i just trying to prove something.

can't lose sight of my goal.
keep going kristal.
do it once.
do it well.

Trying to find the epiphany in life.
in the end, people on this earth are trying to make/find meaning to their life, before it ends.
It doesnt matter what people are, who they are, where they come from.
as long as they are doing something that gives them meaning to live.
as long as they are living.
then, we should give them all the respect they deserve. then we should'nt judge them.
who are we to judge another.
who?we are all people.. passing through earth.
the time will pass...
many people do their best to avoid mistakes, bad times, yet. arent these times the very moments that are precious that redefines us. that just purify us.
i'm in transition....
Be patient.

I find it hard to be completely honestly. About how I feel. ( to anybody)

Even the best falls down sometimes.
Reaallly......

Cause they say. Only the rich could afford to be poor.
The professional can afford to slack around. They accumulated much.
The people who haven't stopped to find meaning in their life.
Are the one who satisfy the caviet of putting everything down.
To search for it.
Paradox.

Don't knw where life is taking me.

Can't trust anybody. For nuts.

遇到不如意的事失落而想放弃.

Tell me. How . Do I rid of it ??

Character flaw.

I feel like dying.
Drowning in my inadequacy

Tell me. How to keep it all together.

); may I know who I can tell all my fears to.
); someone who won't judge.

Live my life.

I feel like giving up on everything.
I don't want to... Have to put in so much effort.
Yet realise...........

I don't really know. What to do right now.
It's so so so hard to charge forward.
Knowing that my trooper ain't with me.

Please. Work. ( smart/ hard)
You know the pain now. Shall stop here.

I feel like imm going through hell now.
The difficulties that plague this road really stops me in my track. Make me wonder if I should forge on.
I don't want to complain. But this is tough. It is more than I can take.
);
Can I break.

); cause nothing is given.
One got to earn it.
); it's harder than ever.
); where's the support when I needed it);
Where.

;( comparing myself to others will only make me miserable
So I should stop it.
How is it that some people just got thier lives together,
Like eveything falls nicely for them.
I thought it was the same for me too.
But. This is harder than I thought.
Imm not sure if I can pull through);
);

;( don't ever forget.  How you really should be treated.

Tell me why.

); so blardy tired and sick of life.

So blardy tired.); 

..... that maybe... It's something more than I can handle.

I feel so broken.
Maybe . I shouldn't try so hard......
Stop. Trying.
Stop.
Everything. That imm doing.

To love and be loved.

This drives me.....over the edge.
I wonder If you ever really.... Cared. From the start.

This world....

Doubts
Character. Me. Who.
What?

Everything threatens to fall apart.

I don't really want to live anymore.

I've got so much cut out for me.
Gta work the ground honestly. ( every sq. ft.)

Can. Do.

Never be afraid to go after yr goals.

That people may be around.
Does it really matter.
At the end. One wna live one's life.
Create it. The way it should.
Only I know. What matters...
Come on.

I need to get my act together.
#lets do this.
kristal!!!!

); don't know who to run to anymore.

I NEED TO STAY FOCUSED.
ON WHAT IS IMPORTANT.
I CANT LET ANYTHING ELSE ...
CANT.
KRISTAL. WAKE UP YOUR IDEA.
WAKE UP.

Either i work till.. i drop. these few months.
or. i let it go loosely.
make your choice.
dont look back.,

PUSH COMES TO SHOVE.

Mariana

):
i hate engaging in schendenfreude.
i hate being me.
its getting crazy.
kristal
Dont forget.please dont. dont dont dont.
):

i cant side track or deviate from my plan.

Need to wake up.
live my life.
live my life.

tell me why
Kristal!
You cant face the struggle you cant.

Need to think thoughts that are right.
positive. forward looking.
(:
can-do.
you've got time. Kristal.
You've got.

life.

Skills.train your thinking.
its important.
your flow of thoughts.

come back stronger. makin it.

will score better than before this time.
This time. I'll get to choose my courses.
This time. It'll be better.
Its coming.

moving on.

one needs to understand that..
its only gna leave me 10 times more focused.
10 times stronger.
Grit.

Life officialy suck.

Aint shunning away.
Dont come up with excuses.
it is what it is.
be brave.
be courageous.

This is but a chance for you to do better.
grab it grab it.
Dont let childish fears get to you.

Gone with the wind?

Kristal
Do you realise that your goal is to make it to the local university?
Do you not rmbr.
Do you not know that so much is at stake.
That the reality of the matter is. You've got a shot at this. One day.
One day each to make it count.
Kristal.
Prepare yourself!!!!
Do not... slacken off.
Keep getting into this.

Like what my best friend said
Negativity could come and it could seemingly overwrite
The good stuffs.
But I gta Rmbr to count my blessings.
Coz they mean so much more. They could mean so much more
If I like it.

Got to soldier on.
Obstacles are part and parcel of life.
The more worth it. The harder to get it.
The more challenges you face.
Are you gna let these defeat you?
Or will you fight'em.
It is'nt easy.
But it is possible. Go kris.

Everything is in my hands.
how i play the cards in my hands
plan to play it right.

some days are good.
some... not so.
But I'm trying.
Really am.
Really wna make this work.
give me the stomach guts bravery to get through this.

To the end.

Goodbye to the old me.
Dead and gone.
Kristal. Be positive. In any circumstance.
Come on.

i need to someone to scold me awake.
cant keep deviating from where i wna go...
what i wna do...

Rmbr why you first started this Kristal.
Rmbrrr!!!!!
Dont let... other thoughts come in.
Keep focus.
on your goal.
on what you plan to achieve by this year.
Kristal!!!!!!!!
Dont back down.

Tell me things are gna work out.

TELL ME WHY.

These days aint easy.
Its like I got to catch myself.

//

Freak. First time being put in such a postion\.

\\

I've got a revelation. recently.
got to make sure my brain is pushed to its limits each day.
come onnnn.
gotta give my all.
no half hearted effort Kristal.

Time to right it.

Nothing seems right.

Break me.

like this.

My friend told me that I should actually be in a '' virtous cycle'.
To be motivated. To keep doing and doing. Like it becomes a habit. A postive habit.
Right now, I'm feeling so upset with myself.
Only completing half of what i wna do in a day.
Taking far too long on papers.
I really need to take this more seriously.

Kristal. Tan.

Bliss.  Gta look at the positive!!!!

Staying positive. That's the key!

it never has been. easy.
Kristal.

Kristal.
Fix your eyes.

Till all my sleeves are stained red
From the truth that I said.
Come by it honestly,
Thought I saw you wink no 
I'll be on the brink so. 

Low/

Need to be braver. Need to be stronger. Need to dream bigger. To achiever bigger. grind.

Don't settle for mediocrity kristal. not this time 

Lol. Life's a joke. 

Life's a joke. 

Tell me what  Imm suppose to feel? 

The past few days made me distance myself from you. 

Can't help it. 

Though you don't mean it.

But.

There's so many things going through my mind.

Gta prioritize. Things are gna get better!!   

Mark my words. 

Got the ingredients for the broth.
Kristal. Get an attitude check.
Check.If  the actions, thoughts... If they
Contribute towards achieving yr goal.
Common kristal.
There's a lot of things to be done.
Who doesn't know?
Take it a step at a time.
It's gna get better.
It will.
Nail it.
Once.

Imm actually starting to think that...
Perhaps.. The results I have now..
Is really what I deserve.
Serve me right for... Being who I am...
For.. Not being humble. For not learning.
I've got to keep both feet on the ground.
Literally gta rise and grind. 
Grind.
Coz alot of work needs to be done. Kristal
Don't shun from the difficulty you might face.
The effort you have to put in. Rmbr. You chose this.
Don't let anybody down. Don't let yourself down.
The only reason you chose this was because you made you
Mistakes so you wna learn from them and not make the same mistakes
Kristal. The last thing ever is to repeat the mistake. Learn quick.
Nobody is going to wait.
If you've gta do and something... And...
It's awful. Go through it. Pain is temporary,
Plan Kristal. Set a plan so you won't feel nervous at the work you've got to do.
To manage your time better and not aimlessly completing tasks that would otherwise
Not value add. Rmbr that each day got to count. Your exams are in November.
Plz discipline yourself to recap the things you learn each day before you sleep.
This is the least you can do for yourself.
Sharpen your exam skills and content.
Rmbr that there are many competitors.
Rmbr.. That... This is real.
Competition is real. 
Kristal. Are ya gna win? 
Game on Kristal. 

If I could, I'd spend every moment talking to you.
making every moment count.
coz. I think... I really.....

But...

Time.
prohibits.

I can do this. I will make it to the local uni with the course of my choice.
#kristal tan go.

#make this year count.
Make each day count.
Rmbr.

I chose this. 
I chose this.
I chose this. 

Who can I draw inspiration from?
All the while... I've been looking for role models.
Zzz.
Such a drag. But gta keep going.

Jason Mraz

I've got to learn what I got
Who I am what I'm not.

Feeling so vulnerable.
dont really know what to do.
right now, life feels like a lie.
Gta keep my feelings together.
Surely, better days will come.

Right now, I gta keep pushing on.

Burn.

I've got both feets on the ground.
Come on kristal.
Which person never has regrets?
It's not bout brooding over those wrong decisions.
If time's gna pass no matter what,
And life's gna move forth
Then surely.
Surely. What ya gta do is to ask: What can ya do to
Eradicate this regret.
Be pro active about it.
Seriously.
Surely a person may not be measured by the decisions
That he made that was right.
 Perhaps a better measure of a man would be
 when the person made the wrong choice,
But manage to overcome and emerge from it.


Kristal. This is a food for thought.
Peace out.

Go on and try to tear me down.
I will be rising from the ground.
Like a sky scraper.

Who's actually around?

So many people in this world.
But who will take the time to stop to hear my story?


I have so many things i want to say.
But who cares? Care enough to listen to my griviances.
I'm at an all time low.
I've hit rock bottom in life.
Does anybody care?
So many people want to talk to me... when things are going great for me.
But.. how many will actually stay around... after this mess i've got myself in?

Life has been nothing but a mess for me. since age 16.
Do i have enough strength to pick up the pieces?
Do i have the ability to?
I probably just have high wishes of who i want to be... what i want to be....
But. cant i??????
i feel robbed.
But its a terrible feeling to feel. I shouldnt engage in self-pity.
It does no good to anybody. fuck this.

is this how kids turns to delinquents?
they feel so unworthy. pointless to carry on well with life.
now could they?

i keep thinking of '' what should have been''.
but this is life. we make wrong turns sometimes.
Kristal, forgive yourself. was that a wrong turn?
i cant even tell.


so much self disgust.

you have no idea.

Cant tolerate another visitor in my life.

Did i lose me?
Tried to be somebody. I'll never be.
Tried to be some other person but myself.
And i'm just running. running to be myself again.

I love to live life free.
I do what i like.
i am free.
i drink alcohol,.
i hate being infantalised.
stop that.
stop.
stop.
i am my own person.
i am me.
i am free.
let me be.


I hate the situation i am in.
no sense.