Walk

I remember. 

I remember the indigence / trauma and hurt I went through. I didn't deserve to have to deal with that level of pressure stress. I didn't have to put up with what I did. I did it out of love. But I’ve paid the price in the form of 2023. There was fight, letting go, large amount of unmerited(?) forgiveness. 

There was sacrifice. Going above and beyond. The extra miles. There was pain. There was asking “can I give more” and to both Dad and Mom the answer was yes. A million times over. I’m here cause of them. I owe them my existence (?)  They deserve that much. That much which is also probably the bare minimum. 

I remember. 

Remember that night so clearly. I was holding his hand. I remember now the struggle/ pain he went through. How it hurts him to breathe. How every waking moment was torture. How he sought release. How he fought with all his being to stay with us. How he wished he could leave. How he had his eyes wide opened afraid if he closed it he would get restless(?) 

I remember. 

That night. I was both restless and at peace. Something told me to give him my all that day. To be with him. I have so much pent up hurt and grief from this. It’s hard to comprehend and understand. Is it so much that I became numb (?) I remember packing my bags about to leave in that stormy night. I remember that timely message. I remember the cacophony of snores, pain, rattling, lightning, thunder, nurses typing, someone reading. Surrounded by males all sick in their own ways. 

I remember. 

Remember wishing to catch a breather and going out of the room. It was dark. Deafening silence. I remember attempting to catch a wink. I see pictures of a river. And a line so loud and clear saying that “He will lead us by still waters”. I remember heading back. Getting myself comfortable. And waking up to Dad leaving. 

I remember the good times. 

Remember how when he was healthy and fit he loved me generously. Almost unconditionally. He loved me. Showered me with excessive sacrificial love. To the point of pampering me. 

I hope he is proud of how I handled seeing him move on. I was calm. At peace. 1 month in I’m starting to crack. Is it because I’ve yet to find good things to move forward to. Is there anything worth grasping at?

Why are people’s love less unconditional? 

“You say I’m enough.

You say I’m strong. “

Please walk this grief journey with me lord. You’ve blessed us once you could do it again. I pray for peace and healing. I pray to look to you this Christmas. I pray for us to continue to walk closely together. That I never forget your faithfulness and love. Forever and as long as I’m on earth. Help me be the light. Your vessel. Your mouthpiece. Your salt of the earth. Help me be strong in you. Courageous in you. And take comfort in knowing that you are here with me. Please lord help me remember this and testify of your goodness and graciousness all the days of my life. Please let my life be pleasant to you. Let me sing of your goodness. Help me lord. Find my way.  Pray that you help those who are grieving this period lord. 

You are the way. The truth. And the light. 

hi.

 Wedding felt like a long time ago. Wow. I'm somebody's elses wife. I have a hubby.

good happy balance

my best friend told me to remember to also cherish this phase of life I have. this marriage. this bliss. amidst the sadness/ possible loss. help me remember it.

Grief and Love

Can't have grief if love did not exist.

Have so many thoughts lets go through a few scenarios

(1) should Dad leave beyond this for extended periods of time

- it would be heavy responsibility on the family for his care needs
- we may not have a life (worried and living life concerned for him)
- it may put added stress on us for a period of time
- life would be revolving around him, possibly being his minion assuming chemo continues
- it would be ups and downs and concerns and having to preempt situations
- hospital visits/ discussions with oncologists would be the norm
- I remember the sight (eyes wide opened, shocked, communication?) the smell (from not being washed? being brushed? wiped down?). the distended belly, hardened thighs, wrinkled skin. It's alot to take in. from the big big strong muscular Dad we know. 
-but we would have Dad around. Dad who has been my best friend/whom I could connect with on a soul level. who is fiercely protective of me. Dad who would be sweet check in on me on a daily basis and concerned bout whether I am doing ok. Dad who would get me or bring me to food I crave for. Dad who would go out of his way to meet me cause he probably misses me. 

(2) should Dad leave after a medium period of time

-it would be painful too. not long enough for us to live our life "normally' while he's here. not short enough to save ourselves the pain and many emotions.
- it may be the moderated version of (1) and (3) though. is it both the best and worst of both situations?
- I wish we know the answer. but lets make it clear that Dad has taken it in his stride, little personality change, no (not much?) anger. peace. peace. calling for mercy, praying for mercy. that seems like his posture. God/Lord please have mercy on him. 

(3) should Dad leave after a short period of time

- it would be too quick/abrupt. not enough time to process grief
- we may miss him too much. but everybody should/would mostly be spared of this journey. journey of figuring/ praying/ expecting/ making peace
- would we be able to settle what needs to be settled? 
- there wouldn't be time for such strong emotions (?) 

but let it be recorded that Dad attempted to fulfill his role up till the very end. He did what he could to

- walk me down the aisle
- see me in my wedding dress
- be my marriage witness
- help with the guest count
- cheer me on and clap for me,

I'm glad. I pray for

- peace to acknowledge this phase of life
- wisdom to see this in a calm and comforting manner
- fortitude to carry on for the people who are still here whom loves me and are there to celebrate other milestones
- discernment to take in the lessons to be learnt from this phase to only move on as how the daughter of my Dad would
-graciousness for myself to allow grief, to miss him, miss how he was, miss how he is, his larger than life personality, kindness, how he's not like the usual Dad (encouraging me to drink, giving me complete freedom to do what I like), but also doing what he can in his own capacity (to give me advice, $$, opportunities, guidance). 

I love my Dad. Pls help me remember the good. that you would be there as an angel in heaven watching over us, completely healed and happy. Meanwhile, while you are here, I pray to use the time with you wisely, meaningfully and without regrets. 

God bless us. Peace be with us. We love you dad. Please feel it. Please know it.  

offer

 Emotions are as such

(1) holding on with my Dad as he holds on (cause it’s my wedding)

(2) feeling angry when I see him enjoying himself (recklessly/ full abundance/ boldly). Yet now, we are all in this.

(3) blaming myself for (2)

(4) swinging between too little/ much time at work. But remembering that work would move. People appreciate us though we don’t feel it sometimes 

(5) dad’s words lamenting complaining pained expression frail body puts me in a sad spot/ spiral. It takes away from the good / the time available. 

(6) but. Also remembering that we are alll here for 1 ride. 

(7) we are never going to be this age we are. Seize it. Don’t waste it. That’s what Dad would want. To live boldly. As he did

(8) teach me/ show me/ guide me lord. May you grant my Dad your abundance of mercy so he’s relieved of pain. Draw him to you and help us see that your ways are higher than 

Take me as I am

if I can't vent at least I should make it a point to record every single feeling I'm feeling.
there's so much going on. Sometimes I'm happy/ then sad/ feel lucky/ then there's grief/heartbreak/ helplessness/ empathy (too much)/ anger/ self-reproach/ educating myself/ juggling a million and one things. 

What should we do? What can we do. doing my best and forced to take it a day at a time. I feel stretched in all areas. Pick your battles. But be sure who you wna fight with/against/for. 

want to learn to communicate slowly/properly/at the right pitch/volume/pace. 

I wish we could share the mental load. but I feel left to fight all the battles. myself. I suppose life can't/won't be perfect (anymore?). as my best friend said, I have to take the good with the bad and know that everything is still worthwhile.

May I be going into these with my eyes wide open. Knowing the good/bad/ugly and going through. Not ignoring/brushing off. help. 

friends come and go. I've had good friends/ not so good/ been a good friend/ not so good. 

my Dad's grumpy/doing his best/holding on. it's not easy. what can I do? love him/ care for him make him happy/ show him he is loved. will do what I can. 

mom's reasonable. but we have to have a line.

please. show me. please guide me. Amen. Now. Be present.

.

30 mins after the diagnosis.
I pray my Dad finds happiness in whatever time left.
and I do what I can to support it. 
and he lives live how we like it/ in his terms.
I ask for energy/ minimal complications.

were we numb? how did we manage to keep the poker face and keep ourselves together today?
learning to accept the status/ to see things in totality/ to see the good, bad ugly sad beauty and everythg in between. learning to be thankful. to trust in God's timing. to trust that God's ways are higher than ours. He knows best.

Dear Lord, I pray my Dad has a good remaining of his time. I pray he finds joy/peace happiness and ..his way to you. Amen.