Breakthrough. Beauty in the breakdown

I am 32. let that sink in. 
Learn to be like the lotus, to grow where we are planted.
Exposure therapy, do things that scares you.
what are your goals?
what makes you scared.
what's the hinderances.
what's stopping you from feeling.. ok?

I could clearly say people's expectations/thoughts/image of how I should be.
but these are things I cannot control that changes.
someone asked me "do you think you have a personal relationship with God?" and that struck me.
do I? can I say I do? who do I want to please? what is pleasing to God? I would like to be someone who is after the heart of God. but at the same time give myself the grace to not have to reach the exacting standards. to know that I'm allowed to fail. allowed to feel sad, feel imperfect. be human.

I would like to remind myself to dip my toes in the sand more. to pause and feel the breeze. to breathe. 
to notice the greens. to not wait for life to be perfect to be happy...

I've recently told someone I find it to find things to be thankful for. and I feel hypocritical if I attempt to list 3 things. I am upset that in this journey, some people barely have to try, some are just born to be fruitful. then there are those who strategise/read/pray and... it comes back nil.

I wish I don't put such a label on myself or read horror stories of others and feel the same. I recently learnt there's a distinction between information, knowledge and wisdom. I pray for more wise counselling in my life. more who will help me see that I could say "I was blind but now I see"....

If I believe in God I believe all the goodness and promises that comes with His name. of course I acknowledge God's not some dispenser machine I go to and I conveniently get what I want. but at least I could REST in the knowledge that (1) he knows my heart's desires (2) things will be made beautiful in its time. I'm not sure when "its time" is....... but help me trust you with what I cannot control.

I pray I don't blindly live life. that I set small goals for myself and build up confidence in my self so my inner voice becomes happy with myself and not filled with self criticism all the time. that's... my goal.

so Dear God. be with me. I know and I'm clear of my weakness. how strong my FOMO is. I think of 10000 scenarios and maybe that's really disrupting my peace. I pray for wisdom to let go and let you. time is precious let me not waste it strategising and not living. 

I pray lord to rest in you. laugh more. be the happiest I've been. find peace like I never had. and trust you for the END. Thank you for being my faithful Father in heaven. Thank you for being so loud/real/true in my life. Thank you that I know you early and know you in this life.

help me find beauty in the breakdown. that we will come clean. Please Lord have your hands and eyes in this journey. and help me have my faith in you. 

Life recently.

I think me like many others did not think we would be at this stage.
Initially my reason for wanting this was pride-driven, ego-driven, driven by opinions of others, illusion, delusion.
Slowly, I've come to think about it more (forced to....) and I know I would like this since it (1) adds another dimension to life (2) aligns with my value and spending more time with people I love (3) to live more meaningfully, less self-centric? 
Now there's so much uncertainty, loneliness (no matter that I meet so many people through this). We are left to face this ourselves. 
I have come to realise that God has not failed in my life. The many times I felt held back, pulled back, let down, I guess I've made it through. Life has also not been rosy, so what's this setback? 

God give me strength, focus and wisdom. Faith in your omnipotence and presence.  That all will turn out positive. 

This Journey.

This journey has not been easy for me.
Did I view it wrong? see this as some race, something I can use to gain approval/affection/love, attention?
Did I let too many voices get in my head. That I don't hear God's or mine? 
I acted so silly thinking I could control and manage outcomes.
I've been proactive. things from the past affecting things now. 
What could be the reason? I wouldn't know. Is it not time yet, is my body not ready, is my heart not in the right place. Are we not ready? Is my mental space not suitable and inviting for a child. Well these hurts.

This journey exposes weakness, humbles me. I am not out of the woods.
How do I get better from this instead of turning bitter? I have not found my way while still stuck on this.
I still cannot understand. I am not sure I hear any voices so clearly.

I have much to be thankful for at this juncture. To count my blessings. 
To still find Joy.

yet I don't wna discount the journey, and tough moments. Watching others be fruitful.  not understanding what the elders think.  wondering what's wrong..

I hated that I went to the trip at a completely wrong time. I am not sure I enjoyed any of it. I wish we had a better time. It made me see I was not all knowing. It made see I had gaps in my understanding. It made me see how silly,  illogical, not rationale I can be. It teach me to communicate more, be less rash, think through what I prioritise, appreciate the warmth of sun rays on my skin, understand and empathise with my friends dealing with winter and cold days.

I hated that I am constantly seeking approval, finding ways to serve others before me, being so considerate, checking my blindspots, and not just enjoying this journey. I hate that I think I have so much to unlearn before I arrive (and of course it can be said, we are always only arriving).

I hate that I went through what I went through the past 2 years. Passing of Dad, grandma, moving in and learning to adapt, fit in, not cause too much noise, be the good girl. quieten yourself/life, zero autonomy.

why is life recently filled with so many unhappy things that don't go my way? what is this suppose to teach me. it keeps getting me down.... and where I wna be seem so far away. I cannot understand this.

All the good I have pales in comparison. I am filled with bitterness, sadness, anger. I can't really find my way. I just have thorns, shackles. It's hard to break free.

Please. give me wisdom, resilience through this journey. 

Amen. 

Love just is.

maybe I should stop thinking my emotions are right
and not let emotions control manage me.
how do I stop this?

there's another part of me that feels like I am not treated very fairly.
playing the supporting role and being unappreciated. 
not getting the same support.

Deep Kindness

Dear lord,

My deep need cries out to your deep kindness,

I pray you give me wisdom, through these bends, and detours. When things are not clear, when the road in front of me is filled with uncertainty, I ask that I recognise you are the bringer of light, and you are walking with me.

Please help me make peace with my situation and help me see how when things work in your time, that you are truly the mastermind who never lets me down, ever.

Amen.

Love story

We were both young when I first saw you.
Remember when we loved sweetly, I felt appreciated?

We are chasing different things now.
Having been through loss, what I crave for now is stability, peace, fun, contentment. Grief comes up every once in awhile. But I've managed.

You crave the material/tangible. I crave the intangible. That's what setting us apart. 
I'm tired of figuring this out each time after a conflict. 
When did I become so afraid to lose you? The powerplay is scary.

You cannot empathise with what I am going through, or begin to understand what this means for me. I can't blame you for it without the same lived experiences... so I can only learn to get out of it and meet you where you are at.

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I've also been starting to think that I've let other people's thoughts run my life. let other voices in. and we lose sight of each other. forgot what it means to have only each other.

I've also thought that I've recently been sleepwalking through life. Maybe you have not lost your drive. and I'm the one who has settled, with no tangible aims, goals. 

Yet I'm still glad (deep down somewhere) that I have you. that I think our love for each other (if we harness it) can overcome any thing we face. 

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Let me prioritise the renewing of the mind, don't let shackles slow me down, cause me to stumble. I see that you want to live your best life. What does my best life look for me? It might be different from his best life.

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I do wna feel like I've lived at the end of this too. so I should remove the doubts, fears, any part of me that shrinks to fit others. and live more loudly and comfortably.

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Remember the movies/songs/feelings of the past. where we thought anything was possible? Where we romanticised life greatly. please keep poetry and art in your life. Don't lose that it could be the distinction between a typical and exceptional life. 

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"It's a new dawn, it's a new day. Feel good". Dream. Yet again. Dream and Achieve."

Peace out.  

Love letter

Do I have anything to say to you Dad? Do I have anything more..? given a chance.

I feel I said what I needed to. I've told you "I loved you" a million times. I've kissed you as you went from chubby and warm to scrawny and colder. I've given what I could considering the multitudes of things. I've also seen how you held on. Kept it together mostly. Did what you can. you fought a really good fight Dad. nobody could hold a candle to your pain tolerance. your attitude. your disposition. even in your pain, you were at times cheerful. I wish you could be here in this phase of life. to enjoy your retirement. to enjoy what you've worked hard for. I'm ok to hear you complain. But I would also keep reminding you and asking you "not to smoke", "drink too much" and "exercise more". Some things possibly won't change unless we're made to. 

I have so many emotions hidden/burried. they say don't think. but. I expect more hard landings. should I keep them away. I wna face it. but not sure how to articulate it. I thought I articulated what I could in your eulogy. it gave me peace. it was everything I would say / tell you. that I knew you would love to hear (but be to bashful to hear anyway). The grief is gnawing at me. Mom or bro are not always right. let's make this clear. so in this case, I should stand up for what I believe/ trust/ am firm about. I admit I'm not always right either. but I know my actions stem from a place of deepest care and love.

Do you trust him so much you didnt leave me with anything? I cannot understand. This shouldnt matter to me anyway. We cannot deny that while you were well, I was the recipient of your love/care/concern/ admonishment.  We had a good father daughter relationship. I was glad to have you as my Dad. somebody who made me feel like a princess (your princess), protected and loved. you set your standards high. Let me not forget that. 

I pray you're singing/happy/enjoying heaven. And you come to me and let me know heaven's indeed real and you are waiting.  I ask for wisdom to navigate through these. I ask to be mindful. We all really only have "1 life". lets make it count. help me live my life worthy /how you would like it and more. exceedingly more. 

Love, 
me.