Grief and Love

Can't have grief if love did not exist.

Have so many thoughts lets go through a few scenarios

(1) should Dad leave beyond this for extended periods of time

- it would be heavy responsibility on the family for his care needs
- we may not have a life (worried and living life concerned for him)
- it may put added stress on us for a period of time
- life would be revolving around him, possibly being his minion assuming chemo continues
- it would be ups and downs and concerns and having to preempt situations
- hospital visits/ discussions with oncologists would be the norm
- I remember the sight (eyes wide opened, shocked, communication?) the smell (from not being washed? being brushed? wiped down?). the distended belly, hardened thighs, wrinkled skin. It's alot to take in. from the big big strong muscular Dad we know. 
-but we would have Dad around. Dad who has been my best friend/whom I could connect with on a soul level. who is fiercely protective of me. Dad who would be sweet check in on me on a daily basis and concerned bout whether I am doing ok. Dad who would get me or bring me to food I crave for. Dad who would go out of his way to meet me cause he probably misses me. 

(2) should Dad leave after a medium period of time

-it would be painful too. not long enough for us to live our life "normally' while he's here. not short enough to save ourselves the pain and many emotions.
- it may be the moderated version of (1) and (3) though. is it both the best and worst of both situations?
- I wish we know the answer. but lets make it clear that Dad has taken it in his stride, little personality change, no (not much?) anger. peace. peace. calling for mercy, praying for mercy. that seems like his posture. God/Lord please have mercy on him. 

(3) should Dad leave after a short period of time

- it would be too quick/abrupt. not enough time to process grief
- we may miss him too much. but everybody should/would mostly be spared of this journey. journey of figuring/ praying/ expecting/ making peace
- would we be able to settle what needs to be settled? 
- there wouldn't be time for such strong emotions (?) 

but let it be recorded that Dad attempted to fulfill his role up till the very end. He did what he could to

- walk me down the aisle
- see me in my wedding dress
- be my marriage witness
- help with the guest count
- cheer me on and clap for me,

I'm glad. I pray for

- peace to acknowledge this phase of life
- wisdom to see this in a calm and comforting manner
- fortitude to carry on for the people who are still here whom loves me and are there to celebrate other milestones
- discernment to take in the lessons to be learnt from this phase to only move on as how the daughter of my Dad would
-graciousness for myself to allow grief, to miss him, miss how he was, miss how he is, his larger than life personality, kindness, how he's not like the usual Dad (encouraging me to drink, giving me complete freedom to do what I like), but also doing what he can in his own capacity (to give me advice, $$, opportunities, guidance). 

I love my Dad. Pls help me remember the good. that you would be there as an angel in heaven watching over us, completely healed and happy. Meanwhile, while you are here, I pray to use the time with you wisely, meaningfully and without regrets. 

God bless us. Peace be with us. We love you dad. Please feel it. Please know it.  

offer

 Emotions are as such

(1) holding on with my Dad as he holds on (cause it’s my wedding)

(2) feeling angry when I see him enjoying himself (recklessly/ full abundance/ boldly). Yet now, we are all in this.

(3) blaming myself for (2)

(4) swinging between too little/ much time at work. But remembering that work would move. People appreciate us though we don’t feel it sometimes 

(5) dad’s words lamenting complaining pained expression frail body puts me in a sad spot/ spiral. It takes away from the good / the time available. 

(6) but. Also remembering that we are alll here for 1 ride. 

(7) we are never going to be this age we are. Seize it. Don’t waste it. That’s what Dad would want. To live boldly. As he did

(8) teach me/ show me/ guide me lord. May you grant my Dad your abundance of mercy so he’s relieved of pain. Draw him to you and help us see that your ways are higher than 

Take me as I am

if I can't vent at least I should make it a point to record every single feeling I'm feeling.
there's so much going on. Sometimes I'm happy/ then sad/ feel lucky/ then there's grief/heartbreak/ helplessness/ empathy (too much)/ anger/ self-reproach/ educating myself/ juggling a million and one things. 

What should we do? What can we do. doing my best and forced to take it a day at a time. I feel stretched in all areas. Pick your battles. But be sure who you wna fight with/against/for. 

want to learn to communicate slowly/properly/at the right pitch/volume/pace. 

I wish we could share the mental load. but I feel left to fight all the battles. myself. I suppose life can't/won't be perfect (anymore?). as my best friend said, I have to take the good with the bad and know that everything is still worthwhile.

May I be going into these with my eyes wide open. Knowing the good/bad/ugly and going through. Not ignoring/brushing off. help. 

friends come and go. I've had good friends/ not so good/ been a good friend/ not so good. 

my Dad's grumpy/doing his best/holding on. it's not easy. what can I do? love him/ care for him make him happy/ show him he is loved. will do what I can. 

mom's reasonable. but we have to have a line.

please. show me. please guide me. Amen. Now. Be present.

.

30 mins after the diagnosis.
I pray my Dad finds happiness in whatever time left.
and I do what I can to support it. 
and he lives live how we like it/ in his terms.
I ask for energy/ minimal complications.

were we numb? how did we manage to keep the poker face and keep ourselves together today?
learning to accept the status/ to see things in totality/ to see the good, bad ugly sad beauty and everythg in between. learning to be thankful. to trust in God's timing. to trust that God's ways are higher than ours. He knows best.

Dear Lord, I pray my Dad has a good remaining of his time. I pray he finds joy/peace happiness and ..his way to you. Amen. 

Muse

Resentful for things you do that you do out of your own free will. that you do cause you want to. irresponsible living. burdens effects I have to carry. why?  

all the short fused moments. all the laziness. alll the times you get angry cause minor things don't go your way. all the times you order ppl around (tho with much finesse/skills). where do you learn that from?

Learnt that your entire life your sisters served you. you protected them I suppose. but. who are you? are you somebody who waits around to be served/ lazy to do things on your own. are you hardworking and focusing your energy on the right moments? I cant tell.

why. who are you? why. be balanced in your views. 

Bits and Pieces

Rmbr not to pigeonhole life to what u know. Take chances. Communicate. Never know the places we could go with this. 

Only 1 life, someone in a completely different situation could/ would see do things differently.  Life life valiantly. Should we compete on happiness level. Would it be exhausting?  Be smart. Be resourceful. Live. 

Take various paths. Cherish what we have. 

On another note, see the young boy in my Dad. The one with many flaws too. Stubborn/ thoughtful/ considerate/ wilful/ reflective/ not rationale/ attention seeking..? / kind/ fierce eyes/ to be listened to/ to feel ok without pain/ hygiene/ habits/ many to adjust. But. Still the lovable Dad.  

So how. As per the advice I’m given I ask to cherish every time/ second I have with him. Esp if that’s what we have. At this juncture. Be with us. Lord. 

Show/help us. Have mercy. Love, Kristal.

Checks.

remember his moment of sarcasm. that he's not perfect. that he isnt working on himself. he does what he like. and only does whats convenient (pay, somebody else helping, things to his hand). I acknowledge that when ppl are not comfortable, their personality will not be as lovable there would be a complete shift. would that be a true measure of someone then?

Just wna have a balance view of all this. the value of life. and how I should not spend the bulk of it in misery/grief for someone who is... not perfect. who has been there. loved me. cared for me. but eventually human. stubborn, etc.