Jericho

If this is a marathon, at this point of time it probably is the 600m-700m mark in a 1km race. 1km doesn't seem like a lot. But, for somebody who loves 100m sprints, this is... quite a bit.

I should probably crank up my engine. Its such a paradox this semester. I feel like I have so much time and too little time at the same time. I would like to focus. Have more belief in myself.
Talking about belief, I never realized it, but recently, I realized, my mom never ever says positive words to me. I feel like my life is void of positive words from my peers. It is not that I need it, but...
I miss when something good was spoken to me about me. I don't really know can't really recognize any positive characteristic worth mentioning anymore. Do I have any to start with when I was younger? At least I knew I had people who made me feel like the best bout myself. People like Betty. Many others. The people close to me right now are so stingy with their compliments, don't give me the impression that they see the best of me, in turn, I don't feel like gold. I feel like turd.

Which brings me to my next point. I am working towards being gr8. I remember this quote this question "Do you dare to dance on greatness''? On my way back home, I asked myself that. I can't tell myself I dare. It kinda makes these futile. Why do I not dare? Is it because I don't see myself as somebody who could anymore? Is it because I allowed myself to be somebody the people around me see me to be. I will not go against the current. Its easier that way. Mediocrity. (lol) How. How do I find value in myself again. How do I start a cycle of self-belief again. truth be told, I had always seen the best of myself. But now. its all breaking down around me. I look at these and ask if they were all a facade i built up in my mind. If I look at myself honestly, Perhaps, it shows that, I am not the most deserving to be in any high position.

However, saying I am not deserving is highly dangerous. It is. So, I will learn to scrape that thought.
I need to learn to take responsibility for my flaws, shortcomings, be true to myself, honest to myself, take a good hard look identify improve.

Learn that I need to put in the hours.
Step by step.
no shorcuts to success. no escalator to succeses. no. it is pain. time. effort. belief.discpline.focus. love.
fortitude. resilience. whole lot of luck to meet the right people who will bring you up, show you who you can be with a whole lot of encouragement to egg you forward. w/o you even realizing. Because they are that strong, that for me. That with me.

I heard this quote that said " you cannot achieve success if you do not know how you got there''.
If you do not know what you've done right and achieve one hit wonders- Its kinda a fluke. it is not sustainable. not what real success is. Therefore, grind. review. take stock. be aware. be honest.

laugh more. be less serious. be serious. we are not getting out alive anyway.

I do still love'em,
just.. not some parts.

"We are all works of art. The things we have been through, the battles that we have fought, it just makes us more valuable''.

and maybe, if I can find some sense in all these. I'll be back- en route.

Call.

Feeling like I'm heading to ground zero again. Rock bottom again. 

Feeling it. But I would like to... quickly hit it. So that I get enough strength for my rebound. 

Existential crisis. Again(?)

I hate it when people talk to me like they know how to live my life better than I do. 

I had this happen before. And it shouldn't happen again. I hate when others think they know it better than me. About how I could live my life better and hint that their way would be better for me. 

I hate when my voice gets drowned out and theirs come in. I hate that I let it happen. 

Confidence at an all time Low again. 

This solitary moment makes me want to come back home. 

Pretty Hurts

I hate feeling like I'm not good enough. But I Guess the truth is, with all the competition around, it's not gna be a piece of cake being fine. Down in the ditches yet again. How do I find myself in all these. Wish for simpler days yet again. But it's getting harder. And what if my actions and efforts don't match up to my motivation and intentions. Then it's all talk. I Long for days where I find my life rich in meaningful and fulfilling relationships and friendships, which flourishes and take precedent over the only things on my mind at the moment. School and work.

I yearn to have more people luck something I feel I have been lacking since I came to university. I mean, I met a few gems.... maybe they are all that matters and I'm prosperous just with them. I need to learn to be a better person somebody I can love. I wish I restrict myself less, learn to live a little more, have fun.  But I also wish I would be more serious and resilient when in it comes to the requirements I need to meet for school and work. Can I be both person at once?

Some people seem to have it all together. I wish I was born superbly capable. Can I reach where I wna be? Or are these just dreams. Do I have what it takes- the grit the mantle to pull myself together, to be a holistic, respectable person. Or am I gna fall short and live shabbily with poor character.  Would I let myself ?

I wonder where life would take me. or rather, I wonder where I will take myself.  Kristal. Time to wake from your slumber. Exchange is over.  Easy life has stopped. Get back to the grind. Grind. Grind.

The pain of regret is far worst than the pain of discipline.  Please remember.  You only want to progress. Please don't devolve. Remember. Substance and character matters. Good character matters.

Cold To The Touch

what happens when the person closest to me sees me like a Monster
When somebody close to you can read you so wrong
Do you then realise that maybe it's been a part of you, just hidden from your own view.
Or you stifle a laugh, wondering how they get it so wrong.



Have chick flicks shaped my thoughts on how romantic love should be
Trials definitely. But it's forgiving , kind, gracious, deeply understanding , encouraging..

That is then and This is now

Trying to find a place where I can fit in- be myself a 100% and fit in.
To be accepted, to be able to recognize my positive traits through people around me. To love and be loved.

Not.

To feel out of place. or annoying. or irritating. or a burden.

Not

To have doubts on weather they place the same value in the relationship or friendship as me.

Not

To wonder where to go.

Because it seems like everywhere I turn, I just feel inherently annoying as a person.
I have no tolerance for myself. either.

I turn everywhere yet find no safe haven.
The haven which I do sorely look for. wistfully look for. look for with conviction.

A haven in which:

I can be transported back to where I saw myself in a positive light
I have people whom I know are working hard to connect with and contact me.
Where I see less flaws in myself every single second.


Shake it off. Shake off the shackles that bind me.

Can I still hear my own voice? Or is it drowned out by the voice of the world.
Can I still hear myself? Or I'm assimilating.
Can I still..

Is this a passing phase? We grow older, circumstances change, people change,
But I do not have to be jaded. I do not, have to allow myself to be tainted.

Why do I have to learn to shut up, to listen, to agree.
Why do I have to learn to compromise, to let it pass, to accept

Raise. Your. Voice- Kristal. ( not in the literal sense )
But, because, I am given the privilege to have my voice be heard,
I should, perhaps, learn to let

love. reign.
in me.

Do anybody understand the depth of my sadness?

I feel trapped in, by the voices so pervasive
I feel like a slave to my actions and thoughts
I feel manipulated by the actions of others

I don't really feel feee to be me.
Don't really feel free anymore.

I suppose the greatest torture, would be to be ripped off our freedom.
Because there will only be suppression, manipulation, tiredness that we feel.


Maybe mediocrity ain't too bad either.
Maybe I should accept that.

I haven't been good at anything anyway.
I beat myself up everyday, I'm my worst critic.
I wouldn't wna be friends with me, if someone talked to me the way I talk to myself.

Chest out, brighten up.
Days will get better.

I pray.


Love don't come easy.
True friends are gems I barely seen much of.
But the little makes me thankful for who I have.

I wish I was better.
I hate myself.
For being so flawed, with so much rough edges.

Adios.

I respect those who found their passion, who are so clearly meant to be what they chose to be in life, be it to- act, entertain, sing etc. They know, and we know, they were meant to do that. no doubt. their talent shows.

If it were made clear to me, what I'm suppose to be, to do.