Life recently.

I think me like many others did not think we would be at this stage.
Initially my reason for wanting this was pride-driven, ego-driven, driven by opinions of others, illusion, delusion.
Slowly, I've come to think about it more (forced to....) and I know I would like this since it (1) adds another dimension to life (2) aligns with my value and spending more time with people I love (3) to live more meaningfully, less self-centric? 
Now there's so much uncertainty, loneliness (no matter that I meet so many people through this). We are left to face this ourselves. 
I have come to realise that God has not failed in my life. The many times I felt held back, pulled back, let down, I guess I've made it through. Life has also not been rosy, so what's this setback? 

God give me strength, focus and wisdom. Faith in your omnipotence and presence.  That all will turn out positive. 

This Journey.

This journey has not been easy for me.
Did I view it wrong? see this as some race, something I can use to gain approval/affection/love, attention?
Did I let too many voices get in my head. That I don't hear God's or mine? 
I acted so silly thinking I could control and manage outcomes.
I've been proactive. things from the past affecting things now. 
What could be the reason? I wouldn't know. Is it not time yet, is my body not ready, is my heart not in the right place. Are we not ready? Is my mental space not suitable and inviting for a child. Well these hurts.

This journey exposes weakness, humbles me. I am not out of the woods.
How do I get better from this instead of turning bitter? I have not found my way while still stuck on this.
I still cannot understand. I am not sure I hear any voices so clearly.

I have much to be thankful for at this juncture. To count my blessings. 
To still find Joy.

yet I don't wna discount the journey, and tough moments. Watching others be fruitful.  not understanding what the elders think.  wondering what's wrong..

I hated that I went to the trip at a completely wrong time. I am not sure I enjoyed any of it. I wish we had a better time. It made me see I was not all knowing. It made see I had gaps in my understanding. It made me see how silly,  illogical, not rationale I can be. It teach me to communicate more, be less rash, think through what I prioritise, appreciate the warmth of sun rays on my skin, understand and empathise with my friends dealing with winter and cold days.

I hated that I am constantly seeking approval, finding ways to serve others before me, being so considerate, checking my blindspots, and not just enjoying this journey. I hate that I think I have so much to unlearn before I arrive (and of course it can be said, we are always only arriving).

I hate that I went through what I went through the past 2 years. Passing of Dad, grandma, moving in and learning to adapt, fit in, not cause too much noise, be the good girl. quieten yourself/life, zero autonomy.

why is life recently filled with so many unhappy things that don't go my way? what is this suppose to teach me. it keeps getting me down.... and where I wna be seem so far away. I cannot understand this.

All the good I have pales in comparison. I am filled with bitterness, sadness, anger. I can't really find my way. I just have thorns, shackles. It's hard to break free.

Please. give me wisdom, resilience through this journey. 

Amen. 

Love just is.

maybe I should stop thinking my emotions are right
and not let emotions control manage me.
how do I stop this?

there's another part of me that feels like I am not treated very fairly.
playing the supporting role and being unappreciated. 
not getting the same support.

Deep Kindness

Dear lord,

My deep need cries out to your deep kindness,

I pray you give me wisdom, through these bends, and detours. When things are not clear, when the road in front of me is filled with uncertainty, I ask that I recognise you are the bringer of light, and you are walking with me.

Please help me make peace with my situation and help me see how when things work in your time, that you are truly the mastermind who never lets me down, ever.

Amen.

Love story

We were both young when I first saw you.
Remember when we loved sweetly, I felt appreciated?

We are chasing different things now.
Having been through loss, what I crave for now is stability, peace, fun, contentment. Grief comes up every once in awhile. But I've managed.

You crave the material/tangible. I crave the intangible. That's what setting us apart. 
I'm tired of figuring this out each time after a conflict. 
When did I become so afraid to lose you? The powerplay is scary.

You cannot empathise with what I am going through, or begin to understand what this means for me. I can't blame you for it without the same lived experiences... so I can only learn to get out of it and meet you where you are at.

===

I've also been starting to think that I've let other people's thoughts run my life. let other voices in. and we lose sight of each other. forgot what it means to have only each other.

I've also thought that I've recently been sleepwalking through life. Maybe you have not lost your drive. and I'm the one who has settled, with no tangible aims, goals. 

Yet I'm still glad (deep down somewhere) that I have you. that I think our love for each other (if we harness it) can overcome any thing we face. 

===

Let me prioritise the renewing of the mind, don't let shackles slow me down, cause me to stumble. I see that you want to live your best life. What does my best life look for me? It might be different from his best life.

===

I do wna feel like I've lived at the end of this too. so I should remove the doubts, fears, any part of me that shrinks to fit others. and live more loudly and comfortably.

===

Remember the movies/songs/feelings of the past. where we thought anything was possible? Where we romanticised life greatly. please keep poetry and art in your life. Don't lose that it could be the distinction between a typical and exceptional life. 

===
"It's a new dawn, it's a new day. Feel good". Dream. Yet again. Dream and Achieve."

Peace out.  

Love letter

Do I have anything to say to you Dad? Do I have anything more..? given a chance.

I feel I said what I needed to. I've told you "I loved you" a million times. I've kissed you as you went from chubby and warm to scrawny and colder. I've given what I could considering the multitudes of things. I've also seen how you held on. Kept it together mostly. Did what you can. you fought a really good fight Dad. nobody could hold a candle to your pain tolerance. your attitude. your disposition. even in your pain, you were at times cheerful. I wish you could be here in this phase of life. to enjoy your retirement. to enjoy what you've worked hard for. I'm ok to hear you complain. But I would also keep reminding you and asking you "not to smoke", "drink too much" and "exercise more". Some things possibly won't change unless we're made to. 

I have so many emotions hidden/burried. they say don't think. but. I expect more hard landings. should I keep them away. I wna face it. but not sure how to articulate it. I thought I articulated what I could in your eulogy. it gave me peace. it was everything I would say / tell you. that I knew you would love to hear (but be to bashful to hear anyway). The grief is gnawing at me. Mom or bro are not always right. let's make this clear. so in this case, I should stand up for what I believe/ trust/ am firm about. I admit I'm not always right either. but I know my actions stem from a place of deepest care and love.

Do you trust him so much you didnt leave me with anything? I cannot understand. This shouldnt matter to me anyway. We cannot deny that while you were well, I was the recipient of your love/care/concern/ admonishment.  We had a good father daughter relationship. I was glad to have you as my Dad. somebody who made me feel like a princess (your princess), protected and loved. you set your standards high. Let me not forget that. 

I pray you're singing/happy/enjoying heaven. And you come to me and let me know heaven's indeed real and you are waiting.  I ask for wisdom to navigate through these. I ask to be mindful. We all really only have "1 life". lets make it count. help me live my life worthy /how you would like it and more. exceedingly more. 

Love, 
me.

Grief and Longing

Today is close to "49th day" of Dad's passing. I was/have been doing ok. but considering they term it as the "last day" he may be on earth. It feels slightly harder/ like this "gap" / "separation" isn't enough and there's going to be a wider chasm between us.

I've been proud of how I/my mom and bro have been taking all these. We've really bucked up and continued our way. live how we should. I ask that Dad's passing which taught me the fragility of life, the fleetingness of the moments we have don't go wasted. I ask that I'll remember the precious lessons I've learnt from this, cause it would not do such a momentous event justice.

I see many eyes on me, seeing how I may take / approach this. I pray (1) to be ok to love deeper (2) care more and (3) see beyond. Dare to let go of what shouldn't matter and embrace what matters more. I should.. start on my grief journal. and testimony. Only right.

I'm learning to adapt to this new normal. but it isn't so easy to adapt to soo many things all at once. and also dealing with random bouts of criticism where I have no idea stems/comes from. (??) Like if you were to tell me sthg bad about me. You should at least be specific bout what was wrong and tell me how I could do better. not attack me then leave it as that (i.e. not able to explain what was wrong). I intend to live a life with less anxiety/ more freedom. but the random episodes of attack/ complain brings me back to this. How should I embrace/love myself more if I'm constantly having to deal with random bouts of criticism which confuses. I reflect so much. I have no alternatives to the criticism presented to me. Should I just keep my mouth shut? not confide? not be honest? be vague? watch every word? cause it all comes across veiled to you. or if you reflect on yourself do you understand me well enough (?) as a person to the core. or do I understand/know me..? Am I missing sthg. You are not telling or explaining well either. I need to hear your inner thoughts. maybe that's the first step to working this out. 

I should learn to be gentle/give myself more credit. for what I've went through the past few months. wedding/ change of job scope/ moving in/adapting to "new parents" (still adapting)/ life without truffle/ or those who watched me grow up. It ain't easy. but I'll learn. I ask to give thought to things that matter and ignore what shouldn't. I've got the message to abide in what matters, to look to the Hills (what's higher).

ok. this is the first night of hardlanding/grief. it should be expected. Considering how I've been the past months since Dad's passing. The situations I had to go through, what I had to watch/ see/hear. I ask for mercy and peace. I ask for relief and wisdom. 

Is this an abyss I'm falling into? or a trampoline from which I'll jump/ and propel further from? I ask that it's the latter.

I have many new year resolutions, time to find some ways to fulfill them so that I feel fulfilled and find new found meaning by the end of the year. Please help me stay the course and be focused. physically mentally spiritually. professionally(?), personally. Ironically with such events in life, the value I place on different areas changes. I would give less at work and live a little more. prioritise family/ friends (those who deserve it), leisure!! what makes me happy (travel, food, theme parks, nature parks). Remember it for yourself this year and look back and tick them off.

Learn to move forward with grief and gratitude. learn to move forward to be a better person. learn to practice mindfulness every step of the way. 

ok. will check back. meanwhile with lots of support to myself, will continue to live. and be a salt of the earth (humble/ meaningful/impactful(?) in my own way). so my presence on this earth would count for something in small ways. help me see where I can help in. as I continue to come across more stuff, may my heart be guarded "rightfully" and I navigate these wisely. As Dad says "do not think of high office" think of "whether you are worthy of high office". loaded. but think of whether we are worthy of the life blessed to us. Be it whatever left. whatever remains. what it is to come.

till then.

Love, 
me.

Walk

I remember. 

I remember the indigence / trauma and hurt I went through. I didn't deserve to have to deal with that level of pressure stress. I didn't have to put up with what I did. I did it out of love. But I’ve paid the price in the form of 2023. There was fight, letting go, large amount of unmerited(?) forgiveness. 

There was sacrifice. Going above and beyond. The extra miles. There was pain. There was asking “can I give more” and to both Dad and Mom the answer was yes. A million times over. I’m here cause of them. I owe them my existence (?)  They deserve that much. That much which is also probably the bare minimum. 

I remember. 

Remember that night so clearly. I was holding his hand. I remember now the struggle/ pain he went through. How it hurts him to breathe. How every waking moment was torture. How he sought release. How he fought with all his being to stay with us. How he wished he could leave. How he had his eyes wide opened afraid if he closed it he would get restless(?) 

I remember. 

That night. I was both restless and at peace. Something told me to give him my all that day. To be with him. I have so much pent up hurt and grief from this. It’s hard to comprehend and understand. Is it so much that I became numb (?) I remember packing my bags about to leave in that stormy night. I remember that timely message. I remember the cacophony of snores, pain, rattling, lightning, thunder, nurses typing, someone reading. Surrounded by males all sick in their own ways. 

I remember. 

Remember wishing to catch a breather and going out of the room. It was dark. Deafening silence. I remember attempting to catch a wink. I see pictures of a river. And a line so loud and clear saying that “He will lead us by still waters”. I remember heading back. Getting myself comfortable. And waking up to Dad leaving. 

I remember the good times. 

Remember how when he was healthy and fit he loved me generously. Almost unconditionally. He loved me. Showered me with excessive sacrificial love. To the point of pampering me. 

I hope he is proud of how I handled seeing him move on. I was calm. At peace. 1 month in I’m starting to crack. Is it because I’ve yet to find good things to move forward to. Is there anything worth grasping at?

Why are people’s love less unconditional? 

“You say I’m enough.

You say I’m strong. “

Please walk this grief journey with me lord. You’ve blessed us once you could do it again. I pray for peace and healing. I pray to look to you this Christmas. I pray for us to continue to walk closely together. That I never forget your faithfulness and love. Forever and as long as I’m on earth. Help me be the light. Your vessel. Your mouthpiece. Your salt of the earth. Help me be strong in you. Courageous in you. And take comfort in knowing that you are here with me. Please lord help me remember this and testify of your goodness and graciousness all the days of my life. Please let my life be pleasant to you. Let me sing of your goodness. Help me lord. Find my way.  Pray that you help those who are grieving this period lord. 

You are the way. The truth. And the light. 

hi.

 Wedding felt like a long time ago. Wow. I'm somebody's elses wife. I have a hubby.

good happy balance

my best friend told me to remember to also cherish this phase of life I have. this marriage. this bliss. amidst the sadness/ possible loss. help me remember it.

Grief and Love

Can't have grief if love did not exist.

Have so many thoughts lets go through a few scenarios

(1) should Dad leave beyond this for extended periods of time

- it would be heavy responsibility on the family for his care needs
- we may not have a life (worried and living life concerned for him)
- it may put added stress on us for a period of time
- life would be revolving around him, possibly being his minion assuming chemo continues
- it would be ups and downs and concerns and having to preempt situations
- hospital visits/ discussions with oncologists would be the norm
- I remember the sight (eyes wide opened, shocked, communication?) the smell (from not being washed? being brushed? wiped down?). the distended belly, hardened thighs, wrinkled skin. It's alot to take in. from the big big strong muscular Dad we know. 
-but we would have Dad around. Dad who has been my best friend/whom I could connect with on a soul level. who is fiercely protective of me. Dad who would be sweet check in on me on a daily basis and concerned bout whether I am doing ok. Dad who would get me or bring me to food I crave for. Dad who would go out of his way to meet me cause he probably misses me. 

(2) should Dad leave after a medium period of time

-it would be painful too. not long enough for us to live our life "normally' while he's here. not short enough to save ourselves the pain and many emotions.
- it may be the moderated version of (1) and (3) though. is it both the best and worst of both situations?
- I wish we know the answer. but lets make it clear that Dad has taken it in his stride, little personality change, no (not much?) anger. peace. peace. calling for mercy, praying for mercy. that seems like his posture. God/Lord please have mercy on him. 

(3) should Dad leave after a short period of time

- it would be too quick/abrupt. not enough time to process grief
- we may miss him too much. but everybody should/would mostly be spared of this journey. journey of figuring/ praying/ expecting/ making peace
- would we be able to settle what needs to be settled? 
- there wouldn't be time for such strong emotions (?) 

but let it be recorded that Dad attempted to fulfill his role up till the very end. He did what he could to

- walk me down the aisle
- see me in my wedding dress
- be my marriage witness
- help with the guest count
- cheer me on and clap for me,

I'm glad. I pray for

- peace to acknowledge this phase of life
- wisdom to see this in a calm and comforting manner
- fortitude to carry on for the people who are still here whom loves me and are there to celebrate other milestones
- discernment to take in the lessons to be learnt from this phase to only move on as how the daughter of my Dad would
-graciousness for myself to allow grief, to miss him, miss how he was, miss how he is, his larger than life personality, kindness, how he's not like the usual Dad (encouraging me to drink, giving me complete freedom to do what I like), but also doing what he can in his own capacity (to give me advice, $$, opportunities, guidance). 

I love my Dad. Pls help me remember the good. that you would be there as an angel in heaven watching over us, completely healed and happy. Meanwhile, while you are here, I pray to use the time with you wisely, meaningfully and without regrets. 

God bless us. Peace be with us. We love you dad. Please feel it. Please know it.  

offer

 Emotions are as such

(1) holding on with my Dad as he holds on (cause it’s my wedding)

(2) feeling angry when I see him enjoying himself (recklessly/ full abundance/ boldly). Yet now, we are all in this.

(3) blaming myself for (2)

(4) swinging between too little/ much time at work. But remembering that work would move. People appreciate us though we don’t feel it sometimes 

(5) dad’s words lamenting complaining pained expression frail body puts me in a sad spot/ spiral. It takes away from the good / the time available. 

(6) but. Also remembering that we are alll here for 1 ride. 

(7) we are never going to be this age we are. Seize it. Don’t waste it. That’s what Dad would want. To live boldly. As he did

(8) teach me/ show me/ guide me lord. May you grant my Dad your abundance of mercy so he’s relieved of pain. Draw him to you and help us see that your ways are higher than 

Take me as I am

if I can't vent at least I should make it a point to record every single feeling I'm feeling.
there's so much going on. Sometimes I'm happy/ then sad/ feel lucky/ then there's grief/heartbreak/ helplessness/ empathy (too much)/ anger/ self-reproach/ educating myself/ juggling a million and one things. 

What should we do? What can we do. doing my best and forced to take it a day at a time. I feel stretched in all areas. Pick your battles. But be sure who you wna fight with/against/for. 

want to learn to communicate slowly/properly/at the right pitch/volume/pace. 

I wish we could share the mental load. but I feel left to fight all the battles. myself. I suppose life can't/won't be perfect (anymore?). as my best friend said, I have to take the good with the bad and know that everything is still worthwhile.

May I be going into these with my eyes wide open. Knowing the good/bad/ugly and going through. Not ignoring/brushing off. help. 

friends come and go. I've had good friends/ not so good/ been a good friend/ not so good. 

my Dad's grumpy/doing his best/holding on. it's not easy. what can I do? love him/ care for him make him happy/ show him he is loved. will do what I can. 

mom's reasonable. but we have to have a line.

please. show me. please guide me. Amen. Now. Be present.

.

30 mins after the diagnosis.
I pray my Dad finds happiness in whatever time left.
and I do what I can to support it. 
and he lives live how we like it/ in his terms.
I ask for energy/ minimal complications.

were we numb? how did we manage to keep the poker face and keep ourselves together today?
learning to accept the status/ to see things in totality/ to see the good, bad ugly sad beauty and everythg in between. learning to be thankful. to trust in God's timing. to trust that God's ways are higher than ours. He knows best.

Dear Lord, I pray my Dad has a good remaining of his time. I pray he finds joy/peace happiness and ..his way to you. Amen. 

Muse

Resentful for things you do that you do out of your own free will. that you do cause you want to. irresponsible living. burdens effects I have to carry. why?  

all the short fused moments. all the laziness. alll the times you get angry cause minor things don't go your way. all the times you order ppl around (tho with much finesse/skills). where do you learn that from?

Learnt that your entire life your sisters served you. you protected them I suppose. but. who are you? are you somebody who waits around to be served/ lazy to do things on your own. are you hardworking and focusing your energy on the right moments? I cant tell.

why. who are you? why. be balanced in your views. 

Bits and Pieces

Rmbr not to pigeonhole life to what u know. Take chances. Communicate. Never know the places we could go with this. 

Only 1 life, someone in a completely different situation could/ would see do things differently.  Life life valiantly. Should we compete on happiness level. Would it be exhausting?  Be smart. Be resourceful. Live. 

Take various paths. Cherish what we have. 

On another note, see the young boy in my Dad. The one with many flaws too. Stubborn/ thoughtful/ considerate/ wilful/ reflective/ not rationale/ attention seeking..? / kind/ fierce eyes/ to be listened to/ to feel ok without pain/ hygiene/ habits/ many to adjust. But. Still the lovable Dad.  

So how. As per the advice I’m given I ask to cherish every time/ second I have with him. Esp if that’s what we have. At this juncture. Be with us. Lord. 

Show/help us. Have mercy. Love, Kristal.

Checks.

remember his moment of sarcasm. that he's not perfect. that he isnt working on himself. he does what he like. and only does whats convenient (pay, somebody else helping, things to his hand). I acknowledge that when ppl are not comfortable, their personality will not be as lovable there would be a complete shift. would that be a true measure of someone then?

Just wna have a balance view of all this. the value of life. and how I should not spend the bulk of it in misery/grief for someone who is... not perfect. who has been there. loved me. cared for me. but eventually human. stubborn, etc.

save me.

having a hard time. happy. sad.
can't wait for it to end. don't wna it to start. hence, can only enjoy this process. what is the purpose of life?reflective. more so than ever. thankful for precious moments, moments where I know God is indeed talking to me. 

Afraid of the time to come. but, if we can accept it sooner than maybe we be in a better state.  such a balancing act.

Thankful this gives us to love more, be a little more honest, be a little more kind. 

thoughts

my Dad's a big baby. or maybe he just like being cared for. allows us to care for him. does what he can. cause this. this is for his life.

need to rmbr my mom's aging, she's most lovely and need to cherish love her too.

They're both pretty good looking (if I could say so). in a way that theres that genuine-ness/sparkle radiating. love it love them. 

Perspective balance

Probably this may not mean a thing. But

I think I owe it to myself to record the moments when my Dad gets angry, unreasonable angry. the times when he has no self-control and does the thing he likes at everybody's else expense. the times when my sleep isnt deep enough, the stress I have to go through mentally physically. that the family mom/bro and helper have to. the trips I did not get to go. the low/no liefness I feel/holidays skipped. feeling like his slave, that our lives revolves around him.

this is also to remember any resentment I feel. resentment that life has to come to a standstill, I cannot live as carefree because of the fear. because he chose to be irresponsible and chose the easy ways out (think steroid injection, etc etc.) sure it may not be the easiest but maybe the more convenient (lesss sacrificial..?) think spending thousands on powders. Recall the times he don't listen well, interrupts, speaks over, cuts ppl us. Recall the times he gets unreasonably angry and throws his temper. 

think the times he's in pain and said he just wna leave, sleep and not wake. think of the time where these may be a relieve to him. I need to see him as he is. not anymore saint-like or romanticised. because yes, there's still other parts to life to be explored. 

As a wise friend said, my time with him now is more precious than somebody else's time with their Dad. I feel it. Thanks friend.