Love letter

Do I have anything to say to you Dad? Do I have anything more..? given a chance.

I feel I said what I needed to. I've told you "I loved you" a million times. I've kissed you as you went from chubby and warm to scrawny and colder. I've given what I could considering the multitudes of things. I've also seen how you held on. Kept it together mostly. Did what you can. you fought a really good fight Dad. nobody could hold a candle to your pain tolerance. your attitude. your disposition. even in your pain, you were at times cheerful. I wish you could be here in this phase of life. to enjoy your retirement. to enjoy what you've worked hard for. I'm ok to hear you complain. But I would also keep reminding you and asking you "not to smoke", "drink too much" and "exercise more". Some things possibly won't change unless we're made to. 

I have so many emotions hidden/burried. they say don't think. but. I expect more hard landings. should I keep them away. I wna face it. but not sure how to articulate it. I thought I articulated what I could in your eulogy. it gave me peace. it was everything I would say / tell you. that I knew you would love to hear (but be to bashful to hear anyway). The grief is gnawing at me. Mom or bro are not always right. let's make this clear. so in this case, I should stand up for what I believe/ trust/ am firm about. I admit I'm not always right either. but I know my actions stem from a place of deepest care and love.

Do you trust him so much you didnt leave me with anything? I cannot understand. This shouldnt matter to me anyway. We cannot deny that while you were well, I was the recipient of your love/care/concern/ admonishment.  We had a good father daughter relationship. I was glad to have you as my Dad. somebody who made me feel like a princess (your princess), protected and loved. you set your standards high. Let me not forget that. 

I pray you're singing/happy/enjoying heaven. And you come to me and let me know heaven's indeed real and you are waiting.  I ask for wisdom to navigate through these. I ask to be mindful. We all really only have "1 life". lets make it count. help me live my life worthy /how you would like it and more. exceedingly more. 

Love, 
me.

Grief and Longing

Today is close to "49th day" of Dad's passing. I was/have been doing ok. but considering they term it as the "last day" he may be on earth. It feels slightly harder/ like this "gap" / "separation" isn't enough and there's going to be a wider chasm between us.

I've been proud of how I/my mom and bro have been taking all these. We've really bucked up and continued our way. live how we should. I ask that Dad's passing which taught me the fragility of life, the fleetingness of the moments we have don't go wasted. I ask that I'll remember the precious lessons I've learnt from this, cause it would not do such a momentous event justice.

I see many eyes on me, seeing how I may take / approach this. I pray (1) to be ok to love deeper (2) care more and (3) see beyond. Dare to let go of what shouldn't matter and embrace what matters more. I should.. start on my grief journal. and testimony. Only right.

I'm learning to adapt to this new normal. but it isn't so easy to adapt to soo many things all at once. and also dealing with random bouts of criticism where I have no idea stems/comes from. (??) Like if you were to tell me sthg bad about me. You should at least be specific bout what was wrong and tell me how I could do better. not attack me then leave it as that (i.e. not able to explain what was wrong). I intend to live a life with less anxiety/ more freedom. but the random episodes of attack/ complain brings me back to this. How should I embrace/love myself more if I'm constantly having to deal with random bouts of criticism which confuses. I reflect so much. I have no alternatives to the criticism presented to me. Should I just keep my mouth shut? not confide? not be honest? be vague? watch every word? cause it all comes across veiled to you. or if you reflect on yourself do you understand me well enough (?) as a person to the core. or do I understand/know me..? Am I missing sthg. You are not telling or explaining well either. I need to hear your inner thoughts. maybe that's the first step to working this out. 

I should learn to be gentle/give myself more credit. for what I've went through the past few months. wedding/ change of job scope/ moving in/adapting to "new parents" (still adapting)/ life without truffle/ or those who watched me grow up. It ain't easy. but I'll learn. I ask to give thought to things that matter and ignore what shouldn't. I've got the message to abide in what matters, to look to the Hills (what's higher).

ok. this is the first night of hardlanding/grief. it should be expected. Considering how I've been the past months since Dad's passing. The situations I had to go through, what I had to watch/ see/hear. I ask for mercy and peace. I ask for relief and wisdom. 

Is this an abyss I'm falling into? or a trampoline from which I'll jump/ and propel further from? I ask that it's the latter.

I have many new year resolutions, time to find some ways to fulfill them so that I feel fulfilled and find new found meaning by the end of the year. Please help me stay the course and be focused. physically mentally spiritually. professionally(?), personally. Ironically with such events in life, the value I place on different areas changes. I would give less at work and live a little more. prioritise family/ friends (those who deserve it), leisure!! what makes me happy (travel, food, theme parks, nature parks). Remember it for yourself this year and look back and tick them off.

Learn to move forward with grief and gratitude. learn to move forward to be a better person. learn to practice mindfulness every step of the way. 

ok. will check back. meanwhile with lots of support to myself, will continue to live. and be a salt of the earth (humble/ meaningful/impactful(?) in my own way). so my presence on this earth would count for something in small ways. help me see where I can help in. as I continue to come across more stuff, may my heart be guarded "rightfully" and I navigate these wisely. As Dad says "do not think of high office" think of "whether you are worthy of high office". loaded. but think of whether we are worthy of the life blessed to us. Be it whatever left. whatever remains. what it is to come.

till then.

Love, 
me.

Walk

I remember. 

I remember the indigence / trauma and hurt I went through. I didn't deserve to have to deal with that level of pressure stress. I didn't have to put up with what I did. I did it out of love. But I’ve paid the price in the form of 2023. There was fight, letting go, large amount of unmerited(?) forgiveness. 

There was sacrifice. Going above and beyond. The extra miles. There was pain. There was asking “can I give more” and to both Dad and Mom the answer was yes. A million times over. I’m here cause of them. I owe them my existence (?)  They deserve that much. That much which is also probably the bare minimum. 

I remember. 

Remember that night so clearly. I was holding his hand. I remember now the struggle/ pain he went through. How it hurts him to breathe. How every waking moment was torture. How he sought release. How he fought with all his being to stay with us. How he wished he could leave. How he had his eyes wide opened afraid if he closed it he would get restless(?) 

I remember. 

That night. I was both restless and at peace. Something told me to give him my all that day. To be with him. I have so much pent up hurt and grief from this. It’s hard to comprehend and understand. Is it so much that I became numb (?) I remember packing my bags about to leave in that stormy night. I remember that timely message. I remember the cacophony of snores, pain, rattling, lightning, thunder, nurses typing, someone reading. Surrounded by males all sick in their own ways. 

I remember. 

Remember wishing to catch a breather and going out of the room. It was dark. Deafening silence. I remember attempting to catch a wink. I see pictures of a river. And a line so loud and clear saying that “He will lead us by still waters”. I remember heading back. Getting myself comfortable. And waking up to Dad leaving. 

I remember the good times. 

Remember how when he was healthy and fit he loved me generously. Almost unconditionally. He loved me. Showered me with excessive sacrificial love. To the point of pampering me. 

I hope he is proud of how I handled seeing him move on. I was calm. At peace. 1 month in I’m starting to crack. Is it because I’ve yet to find good things to move forward to. Is there anything worth grasping at?

Why are people’s love less unconditional? 

“You say I’m enough.

You say I’m strong. “

Please walk this grief journey with me lord. You’ve blessed us once you could do it again. I pray for peace and healing. I pray to look to you this Christmas. I pray for us to continue to walk closely together. That I never forget your faithfulness and love. Forever and as long as I’m on earth. Help me be the light. Your vessel. Your mouthpiece. Your salt of the earth. Help me be strong in you. Courageous in you. And take comfort in knowing that you are here with me. Please lord help me remember this and testify of your goodness and graciousness all the days of my life. Please let my life be pleasant to you. Let me sing of your goodness. Help me lord. Find my way.  Pray that you help those who are grieving this period lord. 

You are the way. The truth. And the light. 

hi.

 Wedding felt like a long time ago. Wow. I'm somebody's elses wife. I have a hubby.

good happy balance

my best friend told me to remember to also cherish this phase of life I have. this marriage. this bliss. amidst the sadness/ possible loss. help me remember it.

Grief and Love

Can't have grief if love did not exist.

Have so many thoughts lets go through a few scenarios

(1) should Dad leave beyond this for extended periods of time

- it would be heavy responsibility on the family for his care needs
- we may not have a life (worried and living life concerned for him)
- it may put added stress on us for a period of time
- life would be revolving around him, possibly being his minion assuming chemo continues
- it would be ups and downs and concerns and having to preempt situations
- hospital visits/ discussions with oncologists would be the norm
- I remember the sight (eyes wide opened, shocked, communication?) the smell (from not being washed? being brushed? wiped down?). the distended belly, hardened thighs, wrinkled skin. It's alot to take in. from the big big strong muscular Dad we know. 
-but we would have Dad around. Dad who has been my best friend/whom I could connect with on a soul level. who is fiercely protective of me. Dad who would be sweet check in on me on a daily basis and concerned bout whether I am doing ok. Dad who would get me or bring me to food I crave for. Dad who would go out of his way to meet me cause he probably misses me. 

(2) should Dad leave after a medium period of time

-it would be painful too. not long enough for us to live our life "normally' while he's here. not short enough to save ourselves the pain and many emotions.
- it may be the moderated version of (1) and (3) though. is it both the best and worst of both situations?
- I wish we know the answer. but lets make it clear that Dad has taken it in his stride, little personality change, no (not much?) anger. peace. peace. calling for mercy, praying for mercy. that seems like his posture. God/Lord please have mercy on him. 

(3) should Dad leave after a short period of time

- it would be too quick/abrupt. not enough time to process grief
- we may miss him too much. but everybody should/would mostly be spared of this journey. journey of figuring/ praying/ expecting/ making peace
- would we be able to settle what needs to be settled? 
- there wouldn't be time for such strong emotions (?) 

but let it be recorded that Dad attempted to fulfill his role up till the very end. He did what he could to

- walk me down the aisle
- see me in my wedding dress
- be my marriage witness
- help with the guest count
- cheer me on and clap for me,

I'm glad. I pray for

- peace to acknowledge this phase of life
- wisdom to see this in a calm and comforting manner
- fortitude to carry on for the people who are still here whom loves me and are there to celebrate other milestones
- discernment to take in the lessons to be learnt from this phase to only move on as how the daughter of my Dad would
-graciousness for myself to allow grief, to miss him, miss how he was, miss how he is, his larger than life personality, kindness, how he's not like the usual Dad (encouraging me to drink, giving me complete freedom to do what I like), but also doing what he can in his own capacity (to give me advice, $$, opportunities, guidance). 

I love my Dad. Pls help me remember the good. that you would be there as an angel in heaven watching over us, completely healed and happy. Meanwhile, while you are here, I pray to use the time with you wisely, meaningfully and without regrets. 

God bless us. Peace be with us. We love you dad. Please feel it. Please know it.  

offer

 Emotions are as such

(1) holding on with my Dad as he holds on (cause it’s my wedding)

(2) feeling angry when I see him enjoying himself (recklessly/ full abundance/ boldly). Yet now, we are all in this.

(3) blaming myself for (2)

(4) swinging between too little/ much time at work. But remembering that work would move. People appreciate us though we don’t feel it sometimes 

(5) dad’s words lamenting complaining pained expression frail body puts me in a sad spot/ spiral. It takes away from the good / the time available. 

(6) but. Also remembering that we are alll here for 1 ride. 

(7) we are never going to be this age we are. Seize it. Don’t waste it. That’s what Dad would want. To live boldly. As he did

(8) teach me/ show me/ guide me lord. May you grant my Dad your abundance of mercy so he’s relieved of pain. Draw him to you and help us see that your ways are higher than